My first post has had an amazing response the messages and comments of support have been rather overwhelming and it has allowed me to see that I need to stop feeling ashamed for what has been going on for a very long time and too stop destroying myself by defining what i cant do, and what normal people can do, and instead accepting myself for who I am and that it is OKAY to just be me. Eventually all these struggles will turn out to be the strength that’s needed to take the next stages in my life. It was such a big step for me and a bit of a risk to actually pluck up the courage to post this as of a way of sharing with those closest to me and to those who may or not know me. I’ve been deliberating for a while if I should, or shouldn’t as I have been so busy documenting and writing everything down whilst in hospital. Since being home and having more setbacks it felt like the appropriate time to share and help people along the way and most of all me to write down what I’m feeling. Which leads me to part of the recovery phase and all things to do with my physical & mental health from Gastro Symptoms which I have been experiencing since 2016/17. This also includes some quite entertaining stories along with the people who I met along the way and were vital in keeping me going at what was a very low time in my life.

“Hospitals; where they provide a bed for you, but don’t let you sleep”

So if your ready… begin (PS it’s another long one). On Saturday 29th June I was taken into hospital via Ambulance due to what has evolved over the last few years having taking a bit of a turn for the worst which saw me admitted for the duration of 19 whole days till the 17th July. The second visit shortly followed after only a week of being home and was admitted again from the 26th July-30th July. Just recently the same thing happened again which saw 3 weeks at home and then another drop in my levels leading to another admission on Tuesday 20th August – Wednesday 28th August.

The drastic change in my weight from 11st6lb to 6st5lbs upon admission along with the persistent vomiting which happens daily saw a very severe drop in my levels of Potassium, Electrolytes and Vitamins of which I soon found out play a vital part in keeping your body ticking and I developed a severe case of Hypokalemia on all three occasions. During the first admission I was also suffering heavily with Tonsillitis and an inner ear infection which I was unable to shake off with antibiotics due to my immune system being completely non existent. The days leading up to admission often consisted of being unable to move out of bed, eat or drink and having severe muscle spasms and seizure type feelings within my hands and feet. Mum and Dad made the joint decision both times to phone for an ambulance and the other was from a recent blood test result from my doctor which lead to me making my own way to A&E and it was from here on in where the many different opinions of doctors awaited!!!

“Sometimes the right thing for one person, is the wrong thing for someone else”

The vomiting has become so severe and has been constant and present for at least a year or more now. I believe through not being diagnosed for a whole year and half after all these symptoms first began it just seemed to get worse over time and has sadly become embedded as the norm. The normal routine of eating, feeling sick and being sick. With being one to thrive off routine in everyday life, vomiting has now become part of that daily routine for me and if that doesn’t happen, I become very anxious and scared of the food that I have put inside me and what it’s actually doing to me. In my head all food now resembles is being sick and that all food is bad for me? Because when you’ve been told you cant eat this or that and to trial and error this and see how you get on is quite the unknown experience when your sitting and waiting for the outcome to see if your okay or not.

I do now naturally think the worst at every giving opportunity, I have become so negative in every day situations that I’m just not much fun to be around so I isolate myself so my nearest and dearest don’t become offended of my current mood. It does sound bloody stupid I know, but reality is when you go through something for a very long time without being given the correct help and nutrition along with having medication constantly changed you honestly don’t know whether you coming or going and the last thing you want to do is eat when you already have this vision of the outcome as you have seen it countless times from seeing your sick staring back at you from the toilet.

“Sometimes it’s not what you eat, but what you are not eating”

I have periods of not eating and restricting my intake which occur quite frequently as it’s like what is the point in being sick after eating? many would agree I am sure.. I’ve just got so sick and tired of being sick and tired! It is exhausting mentally and physically and the constant battle with my brain on coaching myself in to seeing that it’s okay to eat is even more draining than eating itself. The mind is so powerful and has just taken over this whole thing by the scruff of neck and each day there feels like there is something different to contend with.

I have come to realise that you do in fact need to try and eat to stay well, but what to eat is the next question? Knowing how much my stomach has shrunk in size and pretty much gone back to the size of a baby again due to being starved I know the process is an extremely slow one to getting it built back up to what it once was, but some days you will talk yourself in to wanting to eat normally because you feel you should be able to and that is something I have found very difficult to accept and will still often try to eat normally just to try and teach myself into telling my brain that it is okay to eat. All that seems to of done though is create a lot of thinking time on planning around meals where in fact it should just be a normal task and process to eat meals and not have to worry about the outcome.

For me the negative thoughts surrounding food are now so strong and always there that I’m sick without any force it just comes flying out all undigested right there in front of me, to the point there is absolutely nothing left but pure acidic bile burning right the way up which gives off extreme heart burn and chest pain. I have never once made myself sick it just seems to be free flowing after any consumption of food or large amounts of fluid due to the bloat, cramps and early satiety which leaves me feeling so uncomfortable to the point I feel like I’m going to pop!

I don’t know of anyone that likes being sick? I for one have always been that person who see’s sick and will be sick because I’m literally petrified of the sight of it, so it’s never just a one time thing throwing up because the more you see sick the more you be sick. I literally end up getting so worked up and angry because I don’t want anything in me to the point the pain is strong that is associated with it makes me feel sick to the point I am physically sick. I do now try and eliminate all food from my body by drinking 3 glasses of water throughout the time I’m vomiting to make sure that nothing else is left inside me because I simply don’t like it being in there.

I cannot describe why or how this happens, it simply just does and over the space of the last two years it has become increasingly difficult to control. My brain is completely frazzled at how disgustingly weird all of this is and I’m at that point of beginning to realise I need to reach out for help but for what help I need I really have no idea. As for me and my family it is something we fail to understand why and how it has happened.

I don’t even haven normal bowel habits and often can go up to 9-10 days with out going because what’s going in isn’t coming out, therefore it will come up as the saying goes. People ask me all the time what is it like not to shit? and tbh there is no other way of saying it than you just get the feeling and discomfort like its going to come out like a mud slide but every time you think it’s there its always a false alarm! But you have to push so hard because it feels like Mr Turtle head is about to drop but the strain leads you to passing out as the starvation of oxygen you put yourself through due to being in complete agony when ever you try to go. Even the concoction of laxatives isn’t enough to even be able to go either!!

All of this seems so logical to me because I’m the one that is experiencing all of these symptoms but to others it wont be logical at all and most likely very hard to understand. For me however it is now a thought process and pattern I physically cannot control and with not being one to feel confident enough to open up about all these thoughts and feelings and what’s really going on in the head of Jod, I have just learned to cope and deal with it all on my own and in my own unique way to still be able appear to everybody else that everything is in fact fine.

But infact we all know most people that suffer with mental health, confidence issues or anxiety in general have a hard job in trusting people as you often worry about peoples perceptions and judgement of you which often than not makes you feel worse with a massive sense of shame and guilt. For me it is so so hard to be that bigger person and speak up but as time has moved on I have started to realise that there is only so much hiding behind a smile and secrecy and lies that surround your situation can be hidden. Cracks almost immediately come to light and it’s increasingly difficult to gain control over everything. The lies are all just a cover up because of feelings of shame and embarrassment of how this has all ended up when everything was at it’s peak.

I for one didn’t chose this, nor do I still want to be feeling like this, but for whatever reason the mind is overruling every decision at the moment and it is increasingly difficult to complete those every day tasks that people take for granted. I thought by just telling my Mum and Dad and those who I see often that I’m only sick a couple of times through out the week would be enough to hide the amount of times I actually was but with the frailness of my skin and bones and having to order kids sized clothes and everybody being able to see on the outside that everything is far from okay.

Being underweight has become a focus point for everyone now and its very frustrating because I feel helpless in the current situation I find myself in and don’t actually see a way out of it. I now have a fear of putting on weight because again more people will make judgement and start a new topic of conversation and I quite frankly don’t want to be talked about. The past few months i have tried to change my mindset to put on as much weight as possible so that being underweight isn’t the topic of conversation only trouble being to begin eating was the only way around this.. with now having such a big fear and awful perception of food it has been a challenge to try and train my brain to start fresh. The best way I thought of going about this new perception would be to persevere and push through the pain and go back to eating normally and appearing to gradually eat larger amounts than before because I felt that this was what was needed for everyone around me to feel happy, because if they could start to see I was beginning to eat well again and appear like everything was getting better then my weight would soon begin to fluctuate upwards rather than down.

Sadly that idea didn’t work out as best as I hoped because I began eating so much, so quickly infact just so the food in front of me would disappear just as quickly as it enters because of the fear I now have around food. With the phobia towards sick being so strong after every consumption of food I literally begin to sweat and become increasingly clammy but a feeling of being absolutely freezing cold, along with having heart palpitations because of being so anxious that what is inside me, was going to do to me to the point I work myself up so much leading me to of course be sick.

I am currently now at the most unhappiest stage of all because it has progressed so rapidly that consuming all that food after going so long without, and feeling most comfortable when I’m completely empty but continuing to eat just to get it over and done with just because of feeling the need to please as well as the fear!! I have at times found myself at the “pleasing people stage” by eating more regularly for them and to try and gain as much weight as possible for them. The strain I have now put on my small fragile stomach and my mind that is constantly playing tricks on me with the symptoms which are also more prominent are now at an all time high, more than ever before because almost anything that enters my system now what ever the amount, size or form, healthy or unhealthy is naturally vomited back out through the anxiety and fear of food.

To me It feels like I am the only one who knows what is going on, but to my body and what others can see it’s definitely not the case. I have taken the impact head on not only physcologically, but physically and emotionally as well as depriving my body from what it needs to function properly and find myself very malnourished and struggling to get through each day due to the extreme tiredness. Watching TV is now something I struggle to enjoy for the pure fact I cannot concentrate and just end up falling asleep.

The worst part of it all though is that it fills me with such guilt and shame that I wasn’t strong enough to be able to tell anybody sooner? Because of a sense of embarrassment and disappointment that I once again bring to my family. I’ve always seemed to be the one that has caused a lot of hurt and upset through actions I have had no control over and I just wanted to protect my Mum and Dad from all of that so they don’t end up blaming themselves. Being very stubborn also doesn’t help as I feel like this is my problem and of that problem I must fix on my own, without relying on other people! But sometimes pushing people away and being on your own is a recipe for disaster as the negativity towards yourself doesn’t stop and certainly doesn’t just disappear and you end up completely self-defeated to the point you no longer want to be here. I have had this thought on several occasions but each time, something has stopped that from happening because deep down you realise there are infact people out there who do care and are there for you when you need them and simply calling on them for help isn’t a bad thing because that’s what friends and family are there for.

“The smell of Hospitals, If you know you know”

Hypokalemia; has seen me not once, not twice but three occasions be admitted to hospital. My Potassium and the all important electrolytes for nerve and muscle cell functioning were at a reading of 1.0, 1.9, 2.2 when a normal reading is of 3.5 and above. It is vitally important that these levels are kept in the normal range to allow the muscle cells in the heart to pump properly rather than being so overworked to the point your body goes into shut down.

Each time visiting A&E I was soon moved on to the Emergency Assessment Department which treated you for the diagnosis and made arrangements for you to go to the correct ward for further monitoring. My time in here was a bit of a shock, the amount of people who were of old age, carrying breathing problems, dementia, water infections and forms of sepsis from cellulitis in those who were Bariatric patients was literally off the scale people were constantly coming and going it never stopped. I felt like I didn’t belong here at all, I was running on zero sleep for a lot of the days, just because there was people like Barbara who was a classic liar and would often chuck water over herself through numerous parts of the day and say she didn’t mean to.

Brenda couldn’t breath unless she had a Darth vadar mask on but when it came off she was demanding her chocolate eclair cakes from the fridge and insisted on telling everyone that all 3 were for her and no body else.

Jean was so confused to the point she hated everyone, even her husband and ex husband were on the hit list of being killed it was honestly filled with pure craziness the whole time and I just laid there people watching as you do in Hospitals!

I think if the nurses could step back and watch they would because they were completely rushed of their feet the whole time trying to get medication out on time, health care assistants were making sure everyone had some kind of care even though certain patients took up a lot of there time!!! It was interesting to watch but at the same time completely exhausting as you just wondered how on earth these people can do that job for 12hrs a-day with hardly any breaks!! Some did it with absolute ease and patience along with a sense of humour and care that went above and beyond which repelled with their excellent bedside manner. Some on the other hand may as well not bothered turning up as they were that bloody miserable and trust me when I say there is a lot of people who are in the wrong job and when your feeling unwell you really don’t need someone moping around like its a chore that there having to look after you.

The Doctors on the other hand who came round before I departed were very helpful and listened to my current situation and started to throw round the diagnosis of a type of Eating Disorder and that its good that I was now starting to see this after the understanding it had now progressed to this too even though the “Criteria” wasn’t matching up to those of Anorexia or Bulimia. Which of course is true I don’t make myself sick so it’s not Bulimia, by being underweight it doesn’t make it Anorexia because I know I’m not fat. For me it wasn’t about meeting any criteria or having a label for a specific diagnosis, we all know that no two people are the same or can be treated the same as each case is individual but you know yourself better than anyone that you require HELP to be able to move forward. I knew full well that I needed help physcologically to help with this perception and anxiety that has now built up around food as well as breaking the cycle of going to be sick straight away after any consumption of food along with the negative thought patterns that come with it.

I knew that the label wouldn’t change anything but for me it was the only way to get the help I so desperately needed. Help off the right professionals so that I could conquer this head on and get back to living my life normally and enjoying waking up everyday ready for the day ahead. The more you read up on it you do to start to believe you have an Eating Disorder because the problem is with food. I thought it and so did my Mum and Dad after seeing my current state and with previous tests and tablets given for my the diagnosis of Slow Transit, Functional Dyspepsia and Acid Re-flux with those tablets that didn’t seem to shift any of the symptoms so after them saying they have found and done all they could I now felt that it all must be in my head? So it is an Eating Disorder.

Each time I was admitted I was transferred to WARD 3!!! I may add Lorraine the nurse told me how lovely it was hahhahah! Bloody bitch lied didn’t she! I put that aside though as she was honestly so lovely and looked after me during my time in EADU and gave me nothing but support from the moment I arrived in her care. The porter came for me and took me to Ward 3 – Bay 5 and the first person who greeted me was the one and only mad Maureen she certainly didn’t know the meaning of sleep or personal space but had a love for fruit cake and biscuits as her bedside table was like an all you can eat buffet!! Only then did I realise the empty bed that was for me was right next to hers!!!! It was around 10:30pm and she was wondering round like she owned the place whilst everyone else tried to sleep, but the lovely lady next to me piped up and said I hope you have got some ear plugs as it is a very noisy stay!!!! Maureen had been there for 12 whole weeks and she left on the same day as me on my second visit on the 30th July shouting “BYE BYE YOU SCUM BAGS” as she left for her care home haha! I think the staff and people like myself who actually spent a lot of time with her were actually sad to see her go.

I was always the youngest patient on the ward and the setting I found myself in was just generally horrendous! There was a different consultant each week, which of course lead to differences in opinion and the treatment that they believed to be beneficial. It was always repeated to me everyday when the Consultant and Junior Doctors (Flock of sheep) came round was that I would be seeing someone from an Eating Disorder Team, A Dietitian and be moved Gastro consultancy from Cromer to here at the James Paget. All sounds very promising right? but then they throw out the word OUTPATIENT which we all know means one long arse wait on your return home out of here!! A wait I knew I would be unable to manage seeing as it was already coming up for a week. Tears of frustration and sadness of being in this environment and away from home filled your head each day. Without those closest who visited and made my bay feel like home by giving me some much needed motivation to look at the positive of being in hospital with it being the right place to be in order to get better.

“Good people don’t have to say there good people, it just shows”

For me I thought the Hospital trip would be a patch up and go home jobby, but really its turned into a long gruelling three months that lasted longer than I ever imagined. I was very inpatient and exhausted and the sleepless nights didn’t end here. The smell of shit often wafted through the bay and I soon became in charge of the air freshener which I kept down the side of my bed ready for evacuation each time the smell hit you. Around 5x a day to be precise! You can imagine how much air freshener was used throughout my stay although towards the end the smell of ocean breeze wasn’t enough to cover up the stench that filled the room!

I made great friends with my next door neighbour Linda who was to my left. The day she was discharged left me feeling rather emotional, as we kept each other going and often spoke during the middle of the night and put the world to rights along with offering words of support to get us through our time in here. It was like I had lost my left arm she radiated strength and courage through her own ordeal and always made sure I was okay and to not have her there was very strange as you soon become very close when your with somebody for 24hours a day!! We exchanged numbers and have been in contact ever since, she even came back to visit me once she returned home with her partner to see how I was doing and to give me a card and some liquorice to try and help me shit haha!!

I was quite nervous at who would come next as I was just hoping for someone that I would still be able to talk too. The next arrival came and it was the cutest little old dear called Kathleen who was 93!!!!! yes 93 and still going strong! I don’t know what it was that made me deserve good people to my left but it was a real blessing!! Kathleen was partially death and needed some assistance every now then even though she didn’t want it as she was such an independent little lady but I soon found myself in full conversation with Kath throughout the day and had regular chats with her visiting Niece who often bought in home baked brownies and essential oils to spray on our pillows for when the dreaded smell of shit came hahha!! Kath was in for an infection caused by kidney stones and was offered an operation to remove them but due to her age there was always risks involved but on the other hand they said she would keep ending up in hospital as antibiotics don’t last forever If she didn’t have it. You could see how scared she was and was totally against having it done, but with a slight persuasion and mention of her beloved greyhound Meg and her lovely garden that still need her attention she said those words I”LL BE BRAVE and she took the risk and had the operation done the following week. I got updates that she is now safely back home doing all the things she loves after many of whats app from her Niece including photos of her out and about.

Bay 5 did however come with someone you’d rather not socialise your self with, and Emma was that person she loved to air her problems out loud so that everybody could hear, she basically was the queen of diva fever along with being a nosey parker who wanted the ins and outs of your story to see if they compared to hers!! Quite early on I took a great disliking to her, maybe it was my mistake for cheering as she got wheeled up because someone younger had entered the ward, karma was certainly a bitch here!!! I’m not normally one to start an argument across the room in a public place at somebody of who I don’t even know but she just kept on and on at me!! It made me so angry because for someone who is supposedly so poorly and blaming the hospital for her gastric bypass that failed her and comparing my problems to hers and that I should ask for the tablets she takes because they work for her was enough for me to explode!! Simply because no one on this earth is the same person. That’s when I came back from the toilet after cooling off to find I’d been moved to Bay 4 and not gonna lie it couldn’t have come at a better time!!!

I set up camp again for the 3rd time and felt a bit more at home when I arrived on the ward with what you could only describe as normal sane grannies, Sheila and Jean were my favourites we instantly got chatting and would be having conversations with one another throughout the day, the friendship they had already formed was so sweet, so sweet to the point they even said good night to each other every night it made me smile so much and it wasn’t even towards me but just a general check in and out goes a long way when your in there I’m telling ya!! I often met Sheila and her family at one of the shelters outside the hospital where we all sat round and had a crafty fag and listened to each others stories, it soon became a tradition and we often raced down in our wheel chairs every night, and returned to the ward late laughing and joking like we were school kids who were late for class! Sheilas family were honestly so lovely and on our last night together we sat out in the shelters for one last time in our chairs with a portion of chips from Gorleston seafront which her son collected and bought back for us all to share and we went back to the ward for one last time and said are goodbyes!

“If you don’t step forward, you step back”

The second stay saw me back with mad Maureen and although she had Dementia she greeted me with “Hello Pet, back again in this wonderful hotel” I laughed and said I am indeed but a week went by back in each others company, vacating out of the building on the same day hoping to never return again.

After two weeks at home with no real plan in place and being passed from pillar to post from different clinics regarding an Eating Disorder but still not meeting that certain criteria after an assessment you again felt like what does it actually take to get some help? You’ve practically shouted from the roof tops to get it, poured your heart at to a lot of strangers who are the professionals, ended up in hospital basically on deaths door to be knocked back time and time again because you don’t meet the criteria because of not having a distorted body image, I don’t make myself sick, and I do eat, but with my BMI being at 14 it was to low for the service of who I was referred to. The charity Eating Matters decided they were unable to work with me and referred me back to the NHS Community Eating Disorder team at Northgate Hospital for which rejected my doctors first referral because I wasn’t presenting typical Eating Disorder characteristics. Now that my BMI is on the downward spiral they had no choice but to offer an assessment and it was from here on in that I was finally being given the opportunity to get the help I need in order to move forward at long long last!!!!!!

“Time to let go of guilt and shame”

My assessment came round on Thursday 15th August and I was met by one of the Clinical Nurses and a Psychiatrist who are part of the Eating Disorder team. It lasted 2 hours it was exhausting, once again I found myself pouring my heart out to yet another set of strangers in another unfamiliar setting and I’m not going to lie I think I cried the whole way through like you do when you cut up an onion and accidentally rub your eye, like it was bad real bad, but I came away knowing that I had been completely honest and taken that huge step in allowing people in who are going to be there and stick around to help. I felt that I had been listened to and was reassured before I left that I would now be under their care for the foreseeable and a plan of action would be made going forward working with a whole variety of people to get the correct help and care.

I kid you not they stuck to there word!!!! The following day I had a phone call with an appointment for a blood test on the Monday along with an ECG to check my levels of potassium and rhythm of my heart. The next day at 6:30AM I had a call to say that I need to present myself to the hospital due to my Potassium levels being dangerously low featuring at 1.9!!! It was the moment I feared that once again that I was having to go back, to a place which practically did nothing that they said they would once again a load of false promises. Still I had not seen a dietitian, or got a date with Dr Badreldin the Gastro Consultant although they said I would receive a follow up appointment as soon as I had the Nasogastric tube fitted down my nose and into my throat to measure the PH/Acidity levels on Monday 5th August. I still hadn’t heard a dicky bird!! So I did end up calling and managed to get an appointment for the 12th September but of course that was a long way off when at the time you need something pretty sharpish, as being here again for the third time you knew what to expect. I for one knew the daily routine from the minute you wake up to the moment you head of to sleep and sounds weird but it kinda of felt like a second home. Some where safe and protective that if anything was to happen you were in the best place with people who see it on a daily basis and our trained to deal with that kind of stuff, where as at home no parent should have to sit and watch their child practically waste away right in front of them. For me being in hospital it felt like I had taken that pressure off them and as weird as that may seem having round the clock care, plenty of rest, a strict fluid, diet and stool chart and tablets given at set times and having the famous 3’s of 3 meals a day all at set times through out the day. It was a routine that some what worked well for me, and that I felt comfortable with. At home everyone around you still has to get on with there daily life so I did become fairly isolated as there was no structure to my own day as I was just to tired to function and I was always surrounded by negative thoughts and feelings towards myself and food. As well as forgetting to take my tablets at regular intervals and then end up taking them all in one go because you think that will make up for not taking them. In reality trying to function on tablets that cause a serious amount of drowsiness and dizziness really isn’t a wise move as doing the simplest of tasks proves to be very difficult. Just getting out of bed for a wee is like a manoeuvre of someone who has been blindfolded and putting their hands out to touch things to get your bearings to keep yourself up right. There is also the constant reminder and nagging of when to eat and what to eat and everyday it is a constant battle so you end up just eating for the sake of it and forcing yourself to eat really quickly just to make up for what you haven’t had. But with the fear I have towards food I become increasingly panicky, angry and frustrated to the point I feel sick and work myself up so much that I am sick. I even now get to the point where it often gets stuck as my Esophagus is very sore so I now have to 3 glasses of water to help move it along to ensure it is all out and that all the fear has left me feeling empty. It’s just become a habit, a weird one to even understand everyday to me I think I am the most weirdest human on the planet but to the CEDS team (Community Eating Disorder Service) its something they deal a lot with and understand it from start to finish. My stay from the 20th August-28th August was made to feel very worthwhile as a team of two came every single day Monday-Friday!! This was to help support the doctors on how best to handle my care, a slot time with a dietitian and support and guidance from themselves to ensure that I could see a clear pathway to getting better.

Each day however I was presented with one person from the team I had met along with a different person of which to begin with I found quite difficult as all I feel I’ve done recently is repeat myself and honestly it’s quite a touchy subject one of which I don’t feel comfortable in sharing especially round a hospital bed with a curtain closed… but yet people around you can still bloody here!!!! So some days I held back a lot of stuff just because I didn’t feel ready or comfortable to share. But by the end of the week I believe I had met everyone from the team and I felt assured by there knowledge and understanding that I was in the right hands to kicking this up the arse!!!

On Friday 23rd August I was told I could go home providing a blood test came back normal. I had my bloods done but after lunch It suddenly hit me that I was going to have to go back home, and start all over again on my own, lose that round the clock care, the medication trolley that came round at set times, along with days of complete rest and it was with that all consuming my head of how negative home now feels that I suffered my first panic attack. I became sweaty, but felt cold, my heart was beating so fast and my head began to spin and what I had for lunch was flying out of me and it was at this point I had an unwitnessed fall in the bathroom where I was found completely sparko with sick still in my mouth. I don’t remember to much other than I was panicking and freaking out and being sick all at the same time and as soon as the head got a wave of dizziness that was it I just remember waking up the next morning thinking what on earth had happened!!!! I have never had anything of the sort and It was very scary the fact I had been completely out of it whilst they tried to take blood but couldn’t find a vain as I was so cold, I had a CT Scan for the drowsiness of where I fell and hit my head, I even had my bed changed twice because I was vomiting without even realising all over my bed and in my hair!!! YES MY HAIR! The morning when I woke up I thought Id be in ten rounds with MIKE TYSON and broken my wrist!! I couldn’t move my hand it felt broken, but it was severely bruised from the several failed attempts to get blood. I had crusty hair and the smell of vomit was very prominent looking down at my old skoool FILA top I could see and smell the stained blob that covered the left hand side of what was my new favourite WHITE t-shirt. Along with a drip being back in it’s place to give me the fluid I needed once again for the drop in potassium levels. So yes that’s what the word going home did to me!!! Just thinking about it and writing this makes me sound like a crazy lunatic but my mind is now completely overpowered with these thoughts that I honestly have no control what so ever.

This did mean I now had to stay in hospital a tad longer to be monitored and assessed to ensure I was fitter enough to go home. I believe that the CEDS team along with the doctors, nurses and HCA’s noticed that for that to happen something needed to be put in place to ensure I felt safe and well enough to cope at home. This is when everybody came together and from here on in where I have started to become more positive each day. For the pure fact I now have a team of people all singing from the same hymn sheet, who all talk, who all know me as a person. Something that I haven’t had the whole two years of going through this. When in Hospital I was visited by an Autism Specialist and Mental Health Worker which has continued on the outside with home visits. The CEDS team have designed this whole process to tailor my needs and are literally so on top of everything and provide weekly home visits and appointments at Northgate Hospital with there Clinical team and access to Doctors and Psychiatrists to ensure the best treatment and support is put in place so I can see a clear pathway of moving forward.

It has only been a week but already just by talking to the relevant people who work in this field and specialise in Eating and other Mental Health Issues I now fully believe that there is a way out of this hole I’m in. That moment came when I was given the correct diagnosis of AFRID which is an Avoidant Food Restrictive Intake Disorder and Emetophobia along with the OCD which has become very extreme obsession for quite some time. It has now become apparent that the OCD is now playing quite a dominant role in all of this because for example everything I pretty much do has to be done in 3’s its like become a repeated pattern that I must not do or not it can feel like the end of the world and the anxiety and frustration of not completing it is not a very nice feeling. So for example I wash my hair with x2 lots of shampoo, 1 Conditioner all staying on for 3 minutes at a time. I will then dry my hair and section off 3 parts drying each side for 3 minutes before changing over, the same then comes with the straighteners with the sectioning of 3 parts straightening each side for 3 minutes at a time before applying the hair spray to set it into place. Next up is the 3 sprays of deodorant followed by 3 sprays of body spray and then finishing with 3 squirts of perfume!! Then there is the 3 minutess of brushing the teeth instead of two as well the careful preparation that goes into selecting an outfit making sure everything is matching and that the shoes follow the colour of the items above. It really does take up a lot time and I will often lose the concept of time if I am due to be somewhere as this does take priority over anything and although it is exhausting if I don’t do it, it does feel like the end of the world and that something bad will happen to me for not carrying out this routine that I have done for a very long time.

I have listed links below the following diagnosis’s because for some people just having me explain it isn’t enough to understand especially when I am still learning about it myself and processing the challenge ahead to beat this and come out the other side; healthier, happier and most of all smiling without it being fake!

https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/types/other-feeding-disorders/arfid

https://www.ocduk.org/related-disorders/emetophobia/

I’m telling you now though there is some good people in this world, even if in the strangest of places and one of which you don’t want to be in but it is what it is and if it wasn’t for these people the experience your going through wouldn’t be the same.

So as of now I will be taking the time to… Love, Respect, Admire, Forgive, Nurture and Accept myself and take everyone who has stuck by me and supported me on this journey with me because reality is no one can do it alone and it’s okay to lean on people and ask for help when you truly need it and those people don’t mind that when they care so much for your safety and well being!!

“Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle.”

— Christian D. Larson

I’m Jody Wells aged 24, who’s joined the world of blogging to explain my personal journey around my physical and mental health… how it started, what help I have received and the recovery journey that is continuing now. There is part of this blog that for those closest will find a tough read but for me opening up and speaking face to face is something I find very difficult doing so this felt the best way to start to allow people to enter and take a step into what it’s really been like for me and how it’s still effecting me in the here and now. It starts from the beginning with the different triggers and traumas and how over time it has developed to what’s happening now! So if your ready to begin… here it goes!

For along time I have suffered with Clinical depression, a form of Autism, Anxiety & OCD along with finding it extremely difficult dealing with Grief all from a very young age. Since the age off Eleven I have ignored these feelings and shied myself away behind a very bubbly, hard faced character who was and still is afraid of letting anyone see the struggle behind the smile.

Growing up through school was never easy it was full of enormous ups and downs. I was bullied for my hair colour and often made fun of for playing football with the boys and being more of a lad than a girl, which often made me feel quite isolated as I struggled to cope with confrontation. Within the classroom, I would often be removed for being rude, not completing the work set out because I didn’t understand, and some days I would just avoid turning up altogether as I built up so much anxiety before even entering the room along with struggling to cope with the large capacity of people. I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere, and knew that the first sign of trouble would always be blamed on me and I became very frustrated and angry towards school because no one seemed to understand. I felt unsafe and felt trapped in any situation I was put in and throughout my time at Elm Tree Middle and the transitioning to high school it only ever got worse.

Both Kirkley High & Sir John Leman were only interested in the high achievers and the school’s reputation as a whole and that was very obvious to see when constantly being tarnished as a “little shit” and that my upbringing from my parents was the cause of my behaviour? That was something I was never able to brush off as anyone who knows me and my family properly would know that is far from the truth. They are nothing but supportive, and always have my best interests at heart and literally do whatever they can to get you the help you need.

But would you believe, it took a year of being at High School with multiple exclusions, reports, meetings, managed moves and in the end Permanent Exclusions for us to be listened too and finally given the support and alternative provision I actually needed to succeed. That’s where Old Warren House Pupil Referral Unit can take all the praise for the way they quickly dealt with my needs, got hands on with the route of the problem and basically simplified everything in an small calming setting with a proper routine in place to allow my learning to finally take place. They used my strengths adapted to my needs, work was able to completed on the computer, which for me was the best thing as I found it very difficult to write as i was scared to make a mistake, but here I barely remember picking up a pen or pencil but when I did; if I did make a mistake it didn’t even matter, even asking for HELP was okay, they wanted you to tell them the problem, talk about how it makes you feel and why? and honestly that was the most weirdest overwhelming feeling in the world; going from being at school everyday feeling anxious about the day ahead, having such low self esteem and always having outbursts of violence and meltdowns when unable to complete tasks and unable to communicate and express emotion in a way people can understand the problem, to then being surrounded by loads of teachers & people who respected you and appreciated your differences and only wanted to help you achieve what you are capable of and worked with you on a more one to one level.. For me it was the best outcome especially after being given the boot from a mainstream school. Hand on heart I can honestly say without the superb support from the staff here and all the outside agencies working together I probably wouldn’t be here! I literally had zero respect for myself let alone anyone else, I abused alcohol and drunk most days just to numb the pain, which often bought out my violent side and caused my relationship with friends to break down because of it. To those people who were caught in that crossfire and had to be apart of that I am sorry. If I could change the way I was feeling and how I dealt with situations I would in a heart beat as nobody deserved to take the brunt of my actions.

I was continuously told that there wasn’t a lot going for me; I started to believe it too, I had the picture of FAILURE right in front of me every minute of every passing day,.. Except behind all that negativity that people built and of which I built up myself there actually was something…

“For the love of Sport”

From the Age of 5 I have been heavily involved with football, whether it be within a Boys team or Girls team. Without even realizing I was happy to be involved with all of it, nothing phased me, no anxiety, no stress, just enjoying the game you love with the ball at your feet, if you know you know how satisfying that actually is! I played at some of the best clubs and met some truly wonderful people of who I’m still in contact with, as there the only friends I managed to keep hold of; Waveney Youth, Mutford, Swanton Herons, Bohemians, Lowestoft, Kirkley & Pakefield, Acle and now my favorite of all Bungay. The proudest achievement however has to be being involved with the Norwich City Girls Centre of Excellence Program from the age of 8-16 where i gained a better understanding of the game, confidence and friendships that were like no other. It even bought success when looking for my first job and it was here at Norwich City CSF where I was accepted on an Apprenticeship as Youth Training Sports Coach; where I accomplished my FA Level 1 & 2 Coaching Badges and various other coaching qualifications which saw me expand my knowledge and gain an NVQ Level 2 award in Sport & Active Leadership.. Would I thought this would of been possible? Would I have met these goals by myself? No way. I did at times make the mistake of relying on my own understanding, but when I turned to other resources, including my parents, family, friends & coaches and work colleagues, I gained the wisdom I needed to accomplish the goals I was striving for.

Growing up with football though has always been very special to me and been an integral part in keeping me on the straight and narrow and making me who I am today! It has seen me meet some incredible humans who have become friends for life, some on the other hand I’m very glad to see the back of. I loved and still love every minute of football because when your out on that pitch or coaching your troubles just disappear and your focus shifts to what’s in front of you. The people who surround you are more than just teammates though, it’s like having a separate family, the bond you have is something that lasts forever and for me that’s very important as normally friendships are very short lived or more difficult to handle because I’m just not good at dealing with large circles of friends.

Of course football is not always hunky dory and it has come at a price with some real highs and awful lows the one being the hardest to come back from was the Brain Contusion I suffered which saw me unable to play again unless I wore a skull cap. It was hard to accept at first after practically being forced to be centre of attention, the name calling of Petr Cech & Helmet Head were often the first thing you heard and believe me that’s hard to block out when the heat fills the hat and exhaustion kicks in an awful lot quicker and you feel like you’re going to pass out from being too hot. It really was unbearable and with it also being very hard to hear, I often became frustrated and often resulted in a mini tantrum or coming off because I couldn’t perform how I knew I could!! After a year or so it just became a normal part of the routine, and with people now being more accepting of that too I finally learnt it was okay and accepted it too. I now referred to myself as an official HELMET HEAD!

Whether it is playing or coaching the people I have met along the way have been vital in keeping me on the right path and although I may be no longer able to play at this moment in time, I have been given the opportunity to manage and coach my first ever ladies team which is a massive honor considering I’ve only ever done a youth setup. Which for me was a massive highlight and success after taking on the Kirkley & Pakefield Sapphires @ U12s I made some incredible friendships with players and parents and people at the club and was apart of something very special which reminded me of what it was like for me growing up with football. It was the kind of team where everyone had an impact on each other and all of the girls I was lucky enough to coach impacted me and made it a very memorable 5 years.

I was always shown nothing but support and appreciation towards me and that’s continued to be the same since joining Bungay Town Ladies in 2018 and it is here where I have slowly regained my confidence and enjoy the game I love with the people I love and to continue the most important beloved routine of Sunday’s being made for football!! It may sound stupid and a very bold statement but it’s the best feeling waking up and knowing your going to football, seeing all your friends and most all of all being proudly associated with a club who thrives off togetherness and team spirit and everyone playing for enjoyment. I have made the bestest of friends who have been nothing but patient, understanding, respectful and showed me the upmost of support and allowed me to never be without a smile and laughter. It’s so hard to come by in day to day life for me right now but football days and football people have a special way of making that happen.

Bungay Town Ladies – A place to play for all

“Coming together is a beginning, Keeping together is progress, Working together is success”

“To have a great career, be a risk taker”

I joined the world of work from the age of 16 and have always worked hard so that I can have the luxuries of trainers and cars to have something to show for what I have put my hard earned money towards. Football created a lot of pathways for me, and I always had the dream of being in a role with big responsibility to really get my teeth into and be able to inspire people with my story. That’s when I took the risk and quit my job at Norwich City before even having an interview and being offered the job at my old Primary School Dell – it was from here on in that I realised you can achieve anything if you really want it and hard work and preparation will pay off and for me it did! I got the job, I started the new term in September 2013 just after my 18th Birthday and I literally found myself at home! The staff were truly amazing, fun, friendly, positive and all had one thing in common and that was “All for the Children” whether it be teaching, encouraging, instructing, mentoring, influencing, guiding or inspiring everyone was for the good of the kids! The support I received was incredible, the relationships I developed with staff, pupils and parents was on another level, everyday for 4 years I felt like I was doing what I set out to achieve and that’s inspire through my love of sport. I had the best time and some would say “Living My Best Life” sadly all good things come to an end and when the school became an academy and began to provide alternative provision for PE I was somehow left sinking, thinking how is it possible to come into work and no longer have your position? When the person who is now in charge has never even spoken to you or seen you teach for that matter? But yet all the staff and pupils appreciated you? The parents praised you? And then suddenly just like that all that hard work and long working days of building up the rapport, the extra-curricular clubs, the planning and preparation all for someone to come in and take it away just like that! All because they only care about themselves, and money! Not what they’re about to rip away from someone, something that is the driving force in their life, because it certainly was mine! I was so angry and had a lot of hatred towards one person. Although the uproar was still happening I still had to go into work, I may live at home but there is still bills to pay, and money that is required to enjoy doing the things you love and pay for the car you drive. So leaving wasn’t really an option as I still needed the job and an income until something else came up. I noticed that I started to become increasingly stressed, and felt a loss of control and it got to the point where it completely broke me. I thought I was done with being misunderstood and fighting for acceptance and a sense of belonging but I was wrong! Yet again it had happened to me and it was this point in my life I believe to be another trigger point for the struggles I’m now facing!

I did manage to get out and move onto working at a Pupil Referral Unit for 5-7yr olds to try and avoid the disappointment that my previous job had left me in but after a couple of months I felt like this wasn’t the best thing for me to be going into! It was challenging, although it was like looking at mini me with how some of them behaved it also filled me with a lot of sadness that there only the age of 5-7 and have already been failed by the education system. I worked closely with a number of pupils but for them there routine was implemented very well each day they knew what they were doing. For me on the other hand working between an upstairs class and downstairs I didn’t actually feel like I was in a routine it was so jumbled, stuff changed from one day to the next and the work was just as hard for them as it was me. I honestly felt like I didn’t belong in the role and was failing being the appropriate role model. My colleagues were always reassuring and told me how well I was doing but for me it wasn’t natural, I was forcing myself to do something I felt incapable of delivering, and I have always been on the wave length if you can’t do it yourself how can you teach it to others? The anxiety and stress built up along with the grief I was still having from the passing of Grandad Geoff and it soon became apparent along with a lot of sickness and tiredness/fatigue that sooner or later this would have to come to an end. I put up a fight though as I wanted to make it work, I didn’t want to let these kids down or the people I worked with and myself for just throwing the towel in because my head was saying naaaa! I stuck at it, pushed through the barriers and some days did overcome and achieve small gains and satisfaction in my role but it was over the summer holidays of 2017 where it took an unexpected turn for the worst!

“All great changes are preceded by CHAOS”

A family Holiday to Gran Canaria in August 2017 brought to my attention the fact that something wasn’t quite right, the holiday meant for relaxing and spending time with Family after a long term soon became a total nightmare! Spending time confined to your hotel room, being sick on and off for the whole week, having to find constant shade, avoiding eating or eating very little and just wanting to be in the comfort of your own home, but being so far away that it was not possible. Normally I’m that typicl brit on holiday who cries when it’s time to come home instead I wanted nothing more to be than in the comfort of my own home. When we finally arrived home the first trip was to the doctors, as you know something’s not right when it is so persistent.

The repeated vomiting showed no sign of stopping, and the thought of continuing at work First Base PRU was already looking like it would prove to be difficult. Working at the unit with children with Emotional/Social Behavioral difficulties you always needed to be at your best otherwise everyone would pick up on it, that being the kids or staff. A couple of weeks being back in the new term things certainly became too much and the lack of food intake and fluid soon took its toll and I was left unable to work. I was too exhausted to cope with the work load on top of feeling constantly tired, sick and enduring constant stomach pain. I returned to the doctors and was put on Sick leave for several months whilst i underwent a referral to a Gastroentologist. The doctor put in an urgent request at different hospitals and give them time to contact me and whoever made the first move she said to go with. The choices were JPH, N&N or Cromer and surprise surprise the furthest away was the one to come up first. In desperate times calls for desperate measures and so the road trip began.

I arrived at the Clinic of Dr. Chan at Cromer Hospital 10 weeks from the point of referral where I was seen by a Dr. Leo Alexandre who looked into all the persistent symptoms I was having. Tests were put in place to be done starting with an Endoscopy which was quite frankly nothing but nastyyyyyyy!! Banana throat spray and anesthetic is quite simply the worst combo ever invented!!! The sedation left you in a daze and not remembering anything that went on but I’ll tell you one thing after it was done, you could still feel what felt like a golf ball was stuck in your windpipe, it was quite frankly the most uncomfortable thing to wake up too!

The term continued as i underwent further tests and investigations but it soon became apparent that I was no longer going to be able carry on, the amount of time off, hospital visits, reduced timetable just wasn’t enough to be able to keep up with the task at hand. However determined I was to beat this it was going to take a lot more than enduring the job I was currently in to be able to do so. I become withdrawn from work and struggled to make it back after so much time off and this is when I decided to write out my resignation and hand it in! I did what I could right up until February 2019 when this decision was made and I left knowing that I had done all I could and been honest with myself and my place of work that this was best for all involved. It was a hard decision but one I needed to do for not just myself but for the Children and the staff too. All of which were excellent and supportive throughout and my time leading up to the 4 week notice period.

I walked out of there knowing I did all I could and that It was the best decision for me at the time to allow me to concentrate on returning to full health. I continued to undergo a series of test including a CT scan of the small bowel/intestine which included drinking a whole LITRE of Barium liquid which would then light up on the x-ray to show what was going on in the duodenum. Followed by a Barium meal swallow and scan of the abdomen before finishing off with a Bowel Transit Study which is sometimes called a “shapes test”, to find out how long it takes for your shit to pass through your colon (the big bit of your bowel).

Bet you are all thinking why the hell am I’m not a doctor by now? HAHA! But anyway I swallowed several capsules of different colours filled with 20 plastic markers. These markers passed through the bowel and showed up on the abdominal x-ray taken 3 days later giving a clear indication of the issue.

I had some much needed time off too re-coop and regain some control and focus whilst I was still waiting for results and that is when I decided to get back into PE and teach sport at a Primary School. It was Woods Loke who gave me the opportunity, which boasted great facilities and pupils who loved sport just as much as I did. I settled in quite quickly but it soon become a lonely role, I was very isolated hardly got to know any one due to my timetable being so jumbled, my lunch break was at the end of the day which comprised of eating with the cleaners before they started work and I went back into doing my After school club. A few months went by and I got stuck in and implemented changes to allow a better working environment for myself, but gradually over time I began to struggle with a massive bout of fatigue. My legs took the brunt of it from being on my feet all day, my timetable only really allowed me to eat at certain times some days not at all and this is when I believe I started to show signs of not eating.. Each day it progressed and got worse and soon left me feeling more unwell and was contracting a lot of viruses, losing more weight and becoming disengaged with my job once again. With all the investigations still going on at the hospital and tests and the outcomes that were bought to my attention soon lead me throw in the towel for a second time.

I thought that feeling as much as I possibly could though because I knew deep down how much the job meant to me, I tried so hard each and every day but it really wasn’t worth the pain I was putting myself through and I knew that something had to give. Again I knew I still needed a source of income so rather than quitting and being out of work I started looking again for another job, one that was perhaps less strenuous and not so hands on and reliant on just me. Hours upon hours of searching my Dad came to me with a proposal and offered me to become a WIZARD and join the team at Window Wizard as Wizard Jnr Office Organiser!!! Dad needed a right hand man to be the face of the business and run the office which meant manning the phones, day to day work for the boys to complete, quotes, invoices and orders. In my head I knew it was going to be so different from what I was used to doing but actually I was so excited to get my foot in the door and start something new and become the official Office Bitch!!

I set straight to work and ordered lots and lots of GREEN office furniture (my favourite colour) to put my own stamp on things, I spent time in producing new work sheets with up-to-date logos and advertising, set up all social media platforms and basically started from scratch. It allowed me to be organised which I liked and was more manageable for me.

October 2018 seemed the turning point of having something new to focus on. I picked it all up very quickly, and got things running smoothly. Any one will know that a MAN is very untidy, perhaps a bit disorganised and far to laid back in certain situations. It was certainly something that didn’t go unnoticed for me but just after a couple of weeks order was restored. There was structure and a new system in place to allow our place of work to fully operate. Any other company would probably be quite annoyed that a new person has come in and changed stuff but my Dad was just appreciative of me taking control, sorting him out and making sure things were done efficiently and in a quicker time than what he did before and it made my OCD run like clockwork everything was in place, everything had its place, everything worked for me.

“It’s like I have two brains a rational brain and an irrational brain that are constantly fighting against each other”

There is many ways in which my OCD works really well for me and other times it is just a real pain in the arse. I’m obsessed with the order and symmetry of certain things, colours, arrangements along with going over and over certain tasks because it is a ritual that I feel I must carry out. So for all of you who ask how, and why my hair is so straight it is because I will go back and straighten it throughout the day at least 3 times and once before I go to bed just because if I don’t I feel like something bad will be said about me.. stupid I know but when your Ginger and have short hair there are a lot of insecurities so as long as my hair is done I don’t feel like everyone is staring at me.

The flip side to this is being a complete hoarder and compulsive buyer.. I cant let go of a lot of things because of the value it holds to me even if its just there collating dust at the bottom of a wardrobe it was once bought for a reason. The compulsive buying as many will know is footwear, I have a pair of trainers for every outfit and will often resort to buying clothes to match the colour in the trainer or even the same colour football boots just to match the kit. I’m forever making sure everything is matching and that it is clean and free from dirt and creases before I can wear it. To the point I’m 100% always late, some days later than others, other days you wouldn’t even notice but I have to do it for me or I feel a sense of guilt and shame that I haven’t stuck to something I have always done.

Another example is my bank account, I wont buy it unless it’s at an even number and leaves my account at a whole number,even just going to the petrol station I will check my account and see what amount I can put in so it doesn’t effect what It will change it to once I’ve paid!

These compulsions are behaviours and rituals that I just feel driven to act upon again and again. They are performed in an attempt to make obsessions go away however, the relief never lasts. In fact, the obsessive thoughts only come back stronger, the compulsive rituals and behaviours often end up causing severe anxiety themselves as they become more demanding and time-consuming and you feel trapped in this vicious cycle that never goes away. I have to carry on completing them regardless of how much time goes in even if that means forgetting where you should be and what you should be doing!! Crazy and pathetic but it is what it is and I don’t think something of that significance and always having to strive for perfection can be changed as it is just apart of who I am.

“My Dad is my HERO”

You still hear people say that working for family is a dangerous game, but we have a true friendship, daddy’s girl through and through and to be able to work with your Dad who is also your best mate is something very special and as we always say we are the Wizardry Dream Team. His support and understanding and allowing me to have this chance was honestly a life line. I’m very lucky to have my Dad as the boss; he understands when your ill that you can’t go in, but can work from home instead, he knows when he comes in the office to keep his paperwork tower on his own desk and not mess with my system.. He knows to just let me get on with it and whatever needs doing on the computer it’s just quicker and easier to let me do it! (Because nobody wants to see an angry wizard lose his cool over using the computer which he hasn’t quite got the hang of). With everything I have struggled with in the past, I haven’t had the feeling since being under my Dads wing because he understands and cares for you and only wants to see you succeed. In employment that is sometimes so hard to come by but is all you ever want from your Employer. Respect, Understanding and Honestly all go a long way in the world of work and it doesn’t take much to be that person. I know I will continue to work for my Dad for as long as his business runs and to continue seeing it grow from strength to strength. I have now become a Window & Door Geek and could tell you quite a lot of information and it’s so sad how weirdly satisfying it all is but to see homes transformed through your Dad’s & Teams hard work becomes very rewarding and awfully satisfying in playing the vital part being in first and last contact with the customer.

It’s been nice to have something to focus on other than my health but deep down it’s always been there and not gone away and I have struggled to cope with certain situations that are out of my control. To me the triggers are very clear as they still feel so real even though parts of it happened a long time ago, I just find it increasingly difficult to process and accept these changes within my life. I know it has stemmed from losing my Grandad, and relationships that have broken down along with the disappointment of having to give up a job I worked so hard for and then having to go through it all again with my Great Nanny & Grandad. I know in time when I am ready that this will all add up and make perfect sense but right now it just feels like a jumbled mess that still needs piecing together.

“Loss of a loved one “

Grandad Geoff sadly took his last breathe on the 11th January 2017 and previous to that my Great Nanny on the 22nd March 2013 and to where all my problems first began surrounding grief with Grandad David on 30th January 2007. Grief is totally different from any other sadness or depression I have felt before. I couldn’t say for definite if it’s the combination of the two things at once, or if it is simply that the death of a person so close to you that is uniquely intense.

A big cloud of sadness surrounds a loss especially when that someone was like a rock in your life. A solid relationship built upon love and trust, and now all that’s gone. Just like that with nothing else able to ever take its place. My Grandad David, Great Nanny, & Grandad Geoff all had something in common not only did they get struck down with Cancer they were all fighters, survivors, and all around the most beautiful people I knew growing up. They radiated pure happiness and made you feel loved beyond measure. I’ve learnt that grief doesn’t just shrink away and get smaller, you become to realise that it’s not a one way process, you have good days, and days when the tears no longer stop. All of these feelings started before, and even when they were still here; especially when “I was unable to be in control of the situation” I couldn’t change the fact this was happening, I was apprehensive from the moment I was told there wasn’t long left, I was anxious, felt constantly on edge every time the phone rang, every time I visited, or if people weren’t where they said they were the picture you built up was always the worst and when that moment came of saying goodbye for the final time there is no feeling quite like it.

I remember every incy wincey tiny detail, can still see there faces, hear their presence like they are still here. It is an entirely shattering experience; nothing prepares you for how breathtakingly terrifying it is that they will only now exist in photographs and memories of your own. Years on from each death, I am still brittle and exhausted but slowly learning to live my life, carrying on the memory of them all, because in this way they will live on too. Grief for me is still playing a massive part in my life and a trauma which has given tremendous heart break which has never been fixed; the smallest thing like watching Chelsea Vs ManU can spark a set back, the smell of home baking or a buffet at a party, and the smell of fresh fish and your nanna’s back garden that just take you right back to everything that person was. There are so many stages of Grief of which I’m yet to express in detail so I will go back to this in a separate post just so that if anyone out there is feeling this effect to from loss a loved one that we can help each other.

“Health is not valued till sickness comes”

Through out the space of the year when all the tests were done and completed I was finally seen again in October 2018 and given the diagnosis of Functional Dyspepsia, Slow Transit of the GI Tract & Colon with Chemical Gastritis of the Stomach and signs of tear to the lower part of the Esophagus due to persisting vomiting and Acid Re-flux. During all this palaver of finding out what on earth was going on with me I experienced extreme fatigue and tiredness, muscle aches and joint pain, sickness everyday. It was a constant battle everyday to even complete simple tasks and go to work which added up to a lot of time off over the years, and the heartbreaking thing of all being slowly unable to enjoy playing the sport you love. It was then put down to being ME/Chronic Fatigue syndrome in February 2019 so yet again another thing to deal with but somehow still be able to enjoy life?

So me being the stubborn cow I am, decided to ignore that of professionals and others closest and continue on the football season. I’m one of these people where you have to finish what you started before you can see that giving up is the best thing to do and just because someone is telling you too. Eventually it did take its toll and after several hospital trips for being chopped in half and suffering more head injuries and fatigue the setbacks were just more frequent and it was at this point I knew it was only fair to allow my body to take a break from the game so I played the last game to ensure I finished what I set out to achieve; and that was to make sure we stay up!

We DID IT! It was honestly the best feeling because everyone worked so hard and stuck together to achieve what was important for us at the time. Presentation evening soon came around and the room was filled with positivity and emotion from all angles. For me it was the best evening that topped off the season and to be awarded with an award for dedication and commitment despite all what I was going through was enough to finally accept I achieved what I set out to do and more and to be recognised for that was a very proud moment for me and my family because they all know from years of watching being recognised for something good was never a thing.

For once something ended on a high and with a focus now turning to my new position of coaching/managing instead. The journey on that has only just begun and its nice to have a new challenge to focus on and to avoid reliving all that disappointment of not being able to play. I hope one day I will be back in the shirt rocking my many green pairs of football boots but for now it’s time to listen to the body and enjoy the ride from a different perspective “suited and booted in tracksuits”! and yeah I did go online and spend spend spend to make sure I look the part from top to toe, even in keeping with the tradition of buying a new pair of boots for the season ahead regardless if it is only to stand in them, it’s a tradition I couldn’t break! My logical theory behind it is that it’s just like having a new job, you go out and buy new work clothes and shoes, so yeahhh i guess you can this is my reasoning of thinking that it’s totally acceptable…. Sorry not sorry Mum ahahah!

“A smile is the prettiest thing you can wear”

However positive that last bit may seem in words, it’s not what you would see on the outside or what I am feeling on the inside because if I’m being totally honest the struggle was and still is very real and am surrounded with nothing but dark thoughts. The word honest is something I’m not very good at actually portraying, because opening up and letting people in and most importantly trusting that people won’t judge is very scary and is something I’d rather not have to deal with. The natural thing to do of course is keep it to yourself, cover up what is actually going on by continuing every day normal life and putting on a front to show anyone who comes in to contact with you that in fact everything is just fine. Over time though I can tell you that it gradually starts to eat away at you and cracks begin to show however much you tell yourself their not you can’t keep up a fake act and those who know me well enough will know man can’t lie for shit.

I knew I had to be stronger than ever and build up the courage to tell someone how bad it had actually got, most people would choose to go to their family or those who are closest but for me that wasn’t the route I wanted to go down, I wanted to be the one who fixed it by myself as this was my fight to fight as i knew deep down there was nothing that anyone could do to take this away. All the doctors appointments built up over time and I began to have a bit of faith in her so I went to her for help before anyone else, she said she would refer me to the relevant people but the wait is once again a long one.. So although I took the step in reaching out for help, I didn’t actually get anywhere as waiting for something your not sure what it actually is your waiting for other than help when your at rock bottom is a hard pill to swallow.

I did come away feeling like I had made a big step in going forward and admitting I needed help, but getting it was few and far between. With all this going on I had just come out of a relationship of what I thought I was very happy in, at long last I had found love, someone who took me for me and treated me like I deserved to be treated but all that was soon disregarded when we both had our own demons to contend with. We were both so unhappy in our own lives that being together and not speaking up about are real thoughts and feelings inside our own heads that only made it worse over time. Two people who hide their real feelings.. is a recipe for disaster right? I began to start opening up and let that person in because a part of me was like if you don’t try to make this work you’ll never know? So I did, but for some reason it didn’t get acknowledged it felt like someone was there in words but not there for you in the here and now and as a person.. I came away thinking maybe it’s just me, maybe it was just a lot for him to take in? But still in the back of my mind I had these doubts, because it just wasn’t the response you would hope for off someone who is suppose to love and take care of you.. Slowly but surely these doubts and feelings over ruled everything in my heart that I felt for this person and I knew if he wasn’t going to open up to me about his problems then I wasn’t going to allow myself either, because to me it works both ways and if its not reciprocated back then I’m completely done. I ended it out of frustration and anger more at myself for not being able to be in control and fix it, for not being more understanding but in this life you have to look out for no.1 so that’s what I did. Yes it was my decision, and it was a very big blow, because I was back on my own again but deep down I still cared, always have and will always love him for who and what he is because way past all that I had found to me the most kind, caring, bubbliest soul of who I shared lots of great memories with and they don’t just disappear, especially when you have 10223923 photos together which are still held on your phone because you cannot go through the pain of deleting them because actually they were some of the best times throughout the space of a very dark time that I kept well hidden from him and my Family.

“No one ever tells you how much it hurts, when your body is still fighting after you gave up”

It was not long after in March 2019 that I started to give up, I know longer wanted to be here when all I was experiencing was pain and hurt from all angles, I was exhausted and felt trapped in a dark place that I really couldn’t see a way out of. So whilst my Mum & Dad were on Holiday in Gran Canaria and I was home alone that I tried to take my own life.. (failed miserably) The amount of tablets I took I believed to be enough to put all this misery to an end, I took a concoction of different Antidepressants, Anti-emetics, GERD tablets roughly 14 in total down the hatch with my favorite Palma violet gin straight from the bottle. I took them and laid in bed waiting for it to start working and that when it came to the morning I wouldn’t wake up! I had failed once again, it wasn’t enough to take my life, but enough to leave me what felt like the worst hangover going and excruciating stomach pain more worse than normal, along with a lot of sickness which for me was also normal.. It was at this point I had the wake up call that it obviously wasn’t my time.. I gave myself that pep talk and continued the get up and go everyday trying to push past all the bad that consumed my head and that somewhere the best is yet to come.

This made me realise that to get the best out of life I needed to seek help elsewhere and quick, so I was given a number from someone close to me who had used Anglia Therapy which involved private sessions with a Cognitive Behavior Specialist who’s message was that just as each person’s underlying building blocks for life are unique to a person, every person can bring their vulnerabilities and sensitivities into therapy and be met with compassion and resolution. Through the provision of new information and the emphasis on finding solutions, people find themselves ‘working’ and having ‘hope’ from the first session. Susan wasn’t wrong; there was a big part inside of me that after the first session if I continue digging and unravelling events of great significance things will become clearer and life can really be lived.

Another friend also told me how great it was that I had took this step because there really is nothing better than investing time into finding yourself and that you really can’t put a price tag on your health. Everything from here on in did seem to become a lot clearer after a few sessions even if they were really intense and reducing me to tears, it was finally starting to break down the barriers to finding a healthier solution. It was after the 6th session though when I came away feeling like I was at a stalemate, I had spoken and opened up about stuff that I’ve never spoken about before and all to a complete stranger before those closest me? And all for what? Because I still don’t feel like it’s any better? I still feel deep regret in many situations, still unable to stop negative cycles and the way things make me feel bad, anxious or scared. These problems still aren’t manageable, there’s no change in my negative thought patterns or improvement on the way feel? So again I’m back to the start of WHAT’S THE ACTUAL POINT!

“I simply punish myself, for failing, for losing my way and for disappointing my family”

Trying to find a purpose in life has never been in touching distance and recently I have felt a sense of emptiness an emptiness that is so heavy that all these thoughts and feelings have contributed to the situation that I now find myself in physically. I have become so used to being comfortable when I’m empty.. so is this why I can’t keep food down? To me I say YES but to the professionals they so NO its a physical condition that we just haven’t managed to treat properly? But my question is throughout this whole time I have had to live everyday fighting a constant battle to be diagnosed but not treated properly and efficiently to the point it has now gone to far off the scale and progressed into something so psychologically damaging that it is slowly destroying me bit by bit. It’s now deeply in bedded as the routine I adhere to everyday leaving me mentally exhausted and in the gutter with not a lot of fight left in me. I have pushed people away, and feel a massive sense of disappointment to my family and those closest to me for what this has done to them and for me personally as I have lost my MOJO, my life, my sense of humour and the upbeat, bubbly personality that has only ever longed for acceptance.

It has progressed so rapidly over the past year and has recently seen me admitted to hospital twice in the space of 3 months and has had some long lasting damage on my health and a loss of faith in those who are supposedly the experts and healthcare professionals. We seem to be in a world where they treat every case and every individual as the same when in-fact no two people are the same and everybody should be giving the time and care they deserve and be listened to, to ensure the outcome needed to get on and enjoy life. With only being 24yrs old you know dam well there’s so much more to life than there it is at the moment.

I’ve been back home since Tuesday 30th July and the road ahead still seems to be never ending after what felt like a wasted time in hospital but I have since jumped some massive hurdles and faced a lot of investigations and assessments which have been very difficult since being home. Although I’m having to sit back and wait for the help I need I do have some very special people in my life who are supporting me and helping me see a way out of a very distressing time. I’ve always been a bit of a keyboard warrior as it’s easier to hide behind a screen than having to openly speak up about something you have no control over. This is why I have chose to document my thoughts and feelings and stories so those closest to me can understand what it’s really like for me in my own words rather than what you see and for anyone else to have a read and simply just reflect because you never know whats going on behind closed doors, a smile can speak 1000 different words; just checking in on someone from time to time can make all the difference.

Hopefully you get the gist of what it’s really like for me and any feedback or messages are always welcome! NEXT UP on the agenda.. is the hospital stay!! So prepare yourself for another long read with this one focusing on the highs the lows, the tears and the laughter along with everyday people who all bring something extraordinary to world in their own way.

“Live your life, forget your age”