Yes you read it correctly, I’m on the discharge pathway to coming home and it’s a lot sooner than I ever imagined but now is the right time to fly the nest. I feel more ready than ever to take on what awaits me on the outside and it certainly couldn’t of been done without this admission. It has been a whirlwind of a ride with the majority being pure hell and a feeling that things would never change and quite honestly not wanting to be here. The last 3 months however have been remarkably different and incredibly inspiring to see how good life can be and I’m so excited to continue this journey outside of these walls.
I spent a hell of a lot of time before this in and out of hospital constantly needing vital drips to keep me alive and a tube to feed me because I simply didn’t have the mental capacity to do it on my own after many years of abusing my body to maintain a low body weight and diminish my female features. I got caught up in a very dangerous cycle and become seriously underweight and was pretty much unrecognisable to all my family & friends but thanks to Newmarket House I am now back in the land of living and am only 2kg off being a healthy BMI! It may be at the lower end of healthy but compared to where I was it is a massive achievement and I will continue improving this in the weeks and months to come so that I continue making strides forward to living my life happily and healthily.
“The size of your body, has nothing to do with your worth”
I remember the first day of my Eating Disorder and it was so unpleasant and upsetting but it gave me an absolutely wonderful feeling of purity and emptiness following it. I would eat an entirely normal meal and yet would of eaten nothing at all due to the cycle of sickness I was wrapped up in! I resolved to keep up this regime and I just couldn’t stop it within months the daily routine become the new norm and the irony of an Eating Disorder is that it starts out as a situation which is completely in the control of the person. However, it quickly snowballs and becomes a situation which is totally uncontrollable. This terrified me because I really did have no control over it and I never thought this day would come where I would be able to live a life away from it.
My weight spiralled downwards which to me was a validation of what I was doing. As long as I was getting thinner I could cope with the fact that my world was closing in on me, pushing everything out except my weight and preoccupation with everything to do with eating. Eating Disorders are a lonely and ritualistic existence. Relationships with Family and Friends, Work & Football all fell away as I felt unable to manage, it was such a struggle as my ability to concentrate was all but gone. I weighed as little as 32kg and spent a lot of time in hospital prior to this admission and it didn’t cross my mind that recovery was even an option as I didn’t feel that I needed/wanted to recover at that stage because I didn’t feel able to admit I just wanted to be a boy. I carried on believing that I wasn’t thin enough yet felt embarrassed and ashamed of myself when I compared myself to others.
“The struggle is just part of the story”
I can safely say now this is not how I want to live my life, since coming out as Transgender which has been the underlying cause of my Eating Disorder I have now been able to see clearly the path I want to be on. To discover all this means I need to be healthy and mentally able to face the next phases in my transition of which I cannot wait to start!! After already having changed my hair, name, and being referred to with male pro-nouns I have been able to live comfortably and confidently and enjoy this first phase of the process. It’s gone better than I could ever imagine with Family, Friends and complete strangers of whom I currently live with taking it in their stride and showing the upmost respect towards me and just appreciating who I want to be. It has made me be a really happy chappy and my mood has lifted quite drastically! It’s such a better feeling than feeling sorry for myself and exhausted from what I was putting myself through. It has been an awfully long time that I’ve suppressed being the real me and to now finally be confident and happy in my own body of the life that I am now able to live is honestly the best feeling in the world.
I have done an 8 month stint here of which has been full of some real lows and quite honestly just pure hell, but the last few months has seen a rather huge milestone and turnaround that I don’t even know where to begin. Yes this is an Eating Disorder clinic but first of all I had to address my emotions and autism to be able to start the process of understanding me and just learning to be able to accept myself. This then enabled me to distinguish the relationship between me and food and then most importantly being honest and open enough to share what was really troubling me deep down. All I can think of now is had I have said this sooner would it have taken this long?
“I didn’t realise who I was, until I stopped being who I wasn’t”
I feel like I can’t worry about that now though because it took as long as it took and at a time when it felt completely right, all at a pace that I felt in control of and in an environment that felt safe & secure. Now it’s all out in the open I can finally begin to move forward thanks to some very lovely people who have helped me through this first transition phase of my life. I have been able to express myself and be ME to a whole bunch of strangers. I’ve had constant support everyday from a variety of different health professionals which has given me a real sense of hope that with a determined mindset, and the strength and support from loved ones you can learn how to manage and cope in times of difficulty. I am now a much stronger person, better able to cope with setbacks as well as being able to live my life the way I want to without negativity having such a massive impact on my day-day living.
The next part of my journey isn’t going to be easy or by no means a quick process, but just like my Eating Disorder it takes time and that’s just something I have got to allow for and that everything will happen in its own time with the help & guidance from the right kind of people to get me where I need to be. I’m so excited for what the future holds and just by being able to be true to myself and live life as the person I want to be. I know that however long this takes I’ve made the right decision by myself to follow what I have been feeling for a very long time.
I’m just the same as everyone else, my ideals in life are to be happy, to be respected and most of all be comfortable in my own skin and if that means changing lots of things and going through a long process to becoming a man then that’s what I will do. I know a lot of people have it in their head that we just wake up and decide to be trans but I just want people to know that it’s not a choice, nothing has happened in my life to make me trans, I was just born that way. I really am desperate for hormones and surgery as my dysphoria makes me feel like I’m embarrassed for people to look at me, in my head I’m this weird thing that is ugly and in the wrong body. I have to wear baggier clothes to hide my hips and wear a binder to flatten my chest and that is something I’m going to have to do for a very long time as it’s a long winded process that doesn’t just happen overnight. I’m also fully aware that the NHS is overstretched because there’s a influx of people being referred so I completely understand this and why, but that doesn’t stop the frustration as you sit back and patiently wait whilst trying to live your life with lots of different obstacles in the way before reaching the point of getting the help you truly need. To be able to move forward and be the best version of who you want to be not just physically but mentally too.
“The only choice I made, is to be myself”
The decision to come out was really scary but the hardest part of all was actually coming out to myself, accepting and loving myself for who I am. This is happening more and more each day and I’m much more confident in being able to be who I want to be. The best feeling though has been for me to feel incredibly loved and accepted by all my Family & Friends. It has been completely overwhelming actually and I am just so incredibly lucky to have people in my life that love and accept me for who I am with everyone being behind me every step of the way and simply being my No. 1 supporters!! Spite the fears of sometimes less-than-helpful responses from others in society, being true to my own orientation and identity makes me feel whole and I have chosen to publicly share this transition as a means to aid my own changes and to inspire others.
“I am not what happened to me. I am who I choose to become”
I am so much more happier now, I was so self conscious and scared of what people thought of me but in the short period of time I have come out I am now super confident in my appearance and how I come across to others because now there is no need to hide. Being true to yourself and never giving up hope has got me to this point even though so much has happened. There’s been so much grieving of things lost and things I’ve never dealt with in my past, I guess you can’t have growth without pain right? I mean, you don’t really appreciate the sun unless you have a string of rainy days.
I now see a figure in the mirror that brings tears to my eyes of joy instead of sadness. I never thought this was possible, in fact I buried my wishes so deep I didn’t even understand them nor feel them until I was able to go through this process of transition. Since coming out I immediately have been able to feel my emotions for the first time since about the age of seven that’s right, since puberty first started. My lifelong depression is vanishing right in-front of me and is being replaced by complete joy, and a sense of levelness. The negative thoughts that were spinning around my head have now gone and have been replaced with peacefulness and a sense of balance.
I recently had my 25th Birthday of which I never thought I’d make it through to, but I did I reached that milestone and will never forget it. I was overwhelmed with the pure love and support shown from my Family who all got me cards of Son, Brother, Grandson, Nephew & Uncle it was truly the best feeling in the world to the point I savoured the cards and forgot to thank people for them and the gifts that went along with it. I was so afraid I would lose everyone I loved, afraid of what I would look like to them, afraid of what people would say and what a freak they would think I am. I thought I would be on my own and never able to talk to my parents, extended family, or friends again. I am happy to say I was very wrong.
It has taken a lot of time, patience, and communication, but the best part is that I did not lose anyone I love!! Nothing has turned out like I thought it would when I first started transitioning; instead of being shunned and vilified by people from my past, I have been received warmly and lovingly. I have many amazing family members & friends and will continue to have incredible experiences along the way.
For 17 years, I was ashamed of how I felt and stuffed down what I thought was a terrible secret, only to be met with open arms and discover affirmation, validation, and love. After only just going through all of this – changing my name, my presence, body in this world and the way I navigate it, I can just say that I feel human. And I now know what it means to be alive!
Identity is an aspect of one’s character that never stops evolving. For most of my life, I felt like I was sitting in no man’s land, waiting for someone to give me a push so I could finally feel whole. When I first exposed to the concept of gender identity and transgender, I was terrified. It was like a tidal wave washed over me saying, “Pay attention to this!” For years, I worked really hard to ignore it. I came to a point where I could not ignore that feeling any longer and I got the push I needed. I began looking for stories about others like me, searching for information and reassurance that I would in fact be okay and here I am now proud of the person I’m becoming and to do this outside of here is honestly going to be the best feeling ever! I cannot wait to see all my family and friends and receive hugs that I have been denied of since February due to COVID it really is going to be a very difficult but heart warming moment for everyone involve, but bring it on!!!
“I want to do the right thing and not hide anymore. I want to strive for tolerance, acceptance, and understanding. I want to take a stand and say, ‘Me, too.“
I will be coming out of here with more masculinity starting with the haircut, I have stopped shaving, and I have continued to update my wardrobe with some cool new styles and I feel more confident in my skin than I ever have before. I never thought something like this was possible, but now I have realized that it is okay to be myself. When I first started to realise that I was transgender I blocked it away. I never thought it was an option for me to transition. I never thought that I could become the guy that I always imagined myself to be, the guy that always seemed much more confident and less socially awkward in his skin. Now that I have started my journey as Jode Wells I have realised that I can be him, that I am him.
Looking in the mirror, I see a man more and more. He’s maturing and becoming stronger. He wants me to let him out, he promises to protect me, and I think that someday soon I’ll take the key from my heart and unlock myself from the body-cage I have been trapped in for all these years. When I leave next week I’ll be unlocking the gates and setting the young knight free. With all the support I’ve recieved from those closest we will battle this together, hand-in-hand because together you can conquer any obstacle.
“Don’t be ashamed of your story, it will inspire others”
For whoever is reading this blog, I want you to know I am proud of you. I am proud of how far you’ve come. I’m proud because you’ve accomplished mini goals you never thought were possible. I’m proud because only a few know what it’s like – to be engulfed by something that is complex, secretive and at times, overpowering. I’m proud of you because whatever has gone through your mind, you are here looking at this blog today.
I’ve been there and still living it – I have spent the majority of my teenager years dealing with a voice and a heavy weight in my chest. I have felt vulnerable and lost with feelings so confusing and intense. I couldn’t understand it, and I guess looking back restricting my eating made me focus on something else along with the dreaded sickness to push aside my gender – it made the feelings numb; it made me have a false sense of control. I remember feeling guilty for my illness – I was getting irrationally angry, I was missing plans made, constantly making excuses and letting people down. But what I found the hardest was the constant lying – the guilt I felt every time I tried to conceal secretive behaviour from my family, my friends and myself. I managed to keep at a low weight, but in a way that allowed me to feel ‘in control’. I would eat and then feel guilty and then restrict or not eat at all – a vicious cycle you’ve also probably heard of. My body was craving energy and I couldn’t stop – but then the guilt hit, and that feeling was completely unbearable. I continued to struggle with my relationship with food, it became a habit, a coping mechanism, the easiest thing to turn to when my mind felt like it was going to explode.
It was very difficult, because I felt my mind was failing me – I felt I SHOULD be okay because everyone thought I was although physically & mentally I never was. But my time here has allowed me to see beyond all that. I have started to laugh and enjoy the feeling of fresh air more and I have started to embrace the words “self-care” and “empowerment”. Empowerment is a process of becoming stronger and confident, especially in controlling one’s life and claiming one’s rights. You DESERVE to feel empowered, confident, strong, energised, loved and free to embrace your passions. Back yourself in recovery and in life and be kind to yourself, always.
“When you feel like giving up on Recovery, remember why you’ve held on for so long”
My relationship with food has been a complex one but it has been addressed and worked on to no longer make it an issue and I now enjoy baking, cooking and eating food that’s put in front of me. I am very much of the belief that the day I leave here will be even better, and the year after that will be even better. Life is waiting for me, as it is for anyone going through a tough time – never give up because there will be special moments, people and places in your life that will make everything worth it. For me Newmarket House has done that and I’ll be forever grateful to the staff and patients who have helped me along this incredibly tough journey! Now it’s the time to fly the nest and do it SOLO with the support from Family and Friends so see you all very soon because MAN is officially coming home and I couldn’t be happier!!
None of this would of been achievable without the continued love and support from My Mum, Dad & Sister, wider family and closest friends! I honestly so blessed to have had you stick by me throughout the most hardest phase of my life but I’m excited to take you on this journey with me so get packing your bags and join me for the rideeeeeee.
The Mind Diary 