Firstly I want to thank every single one of you who took the time out to read my previous blog, who commented, shared or private messaged me I was honestly overwhelmed with lots of different emotions but with a feeling of finally being able to accept myself and be accepted by others.
Since my recent coming out I have been referred to as Jode along with the use of male pro-nouns which has honestly made me so happy that after all these years I can respond and be who I have always wanted to be. The journey I am now on is a very exciting one, there is so much to think about, so much to do but the main one that sticks out for me is that I now have a purpose and actually want to be on this earth and that everyday is now a step closer to being who I truly want to be. It’s made me see that this Eating Disorder really doesn’t deserve to serve a purpose, it doesn’t warrant me to be exhausted, or to plan my whole entire day around being sick, or thinking of what to eat or what not to eat! Because none of that is healthy physically or mentally.
For the last 3 years I have been sick every single day after any consumption of food/drink to maintain a low weight because this made my feminine features disappear. I was in a cycle, pattern of behaviour that become embedded to retain and look a certain way, I’ve restricted foods, or eaten to much food to appear to look like I’m okay, when actually my brain had been wired that regardless of what I have I’ll just get rid of it anyway so it doesn’t matter. BUT……..
as of the 29th JULY 2020 I have not once thought about my Eating Disorder in any symptomatic way and have managed to be sickness free!!!!!! I have not only managed to stick to my meal plan but have kept down food for the duration of the whole day whilst controlling my thoughts and feelings without feeling the urge to vomit. To some people this might be nothing, but this for me is absolutely huge and a massive break through. This has not only given me hope that I will actually be free from this Eating Disorder but has shown me a completely different outlook on life and how much better it will be on the outside with what I have to look forward to.
I have so much motivation towards what my life will look like now, all the things that I have lost sight over the years I now want back more than ever. The sickness, the tears, meltdowns, self harm have all come to a stop and I no longer want to live a life full of heartache and pure exhaustion. I in fact just want to be ME and be the person I have always wanted to be and now I finally feel like this is my time more than ever. The feeling of being “Stuck in a rut” is no more, the hours of Therapy and Support from this admission at Newmarket House has made see I can be free to live my life and be who I want to be. I’m not going to lie there has been numerous occasions where I thought this day would never come, a real sense of hopelessness, throw in the towel kind of situation and to just continuing allowing to let this Eating Disorder take my life. Now I’m actually doing it, It never occurs in mind, like I don’t even think about it. It may only be a few days in but there is no looking back!! All I’m doing now is using this time wisely to continue moving forward at my own pace and take those along for the ride who are showing so much love and support on this incredible new journey as Jode.
I came in here as Jody like a frail, closed book who was quiet and withdrawn and in a massive pickle. I was completely out of control, I didn’t know who I was or what it was I was doing apart from making myself really ill. Now something has clicked, i feel like I have got back to a place where I am fully in control, I know what I want and what I need to do to get myself to a true better version of me.
The word discharge has been thrown around quite a lot recently and I didn’t feel as if I was in a place to even be thinking of returning home, but now I feel like the time is right to begin these steps towards this and leaving here fully equipped to take on life outside as Jode. Since my recent disclosure all the work I’m doing in here is now being put into context to use for life outside and that only excites me and motivates me more to get on my way.
I am now beginning to see what my future will look like, there are so many exciting things to come on the outside that I can’t wait to get back to and begin to embark this incredible journey. My support network is honestly so big, I have a community team that are working hard behind the scenes to get things in place surrounding being referred to a Gender Dysphoria Clinic and how best to support me when I return home as well as the abundance of support from Wider Family & Friends and most importantly my Mum, Dad & Sister who are standing by me and embracing this journey and making sure things are in place to make this next step more manageable and less scary.
So as it stands people will be pleased to know that I have begun the process of the discharge pathway because the time now feels right to take the next 5 weeks in preparing for life at home. I don’t want to be here anymore, I just want to start my life off fresh and begin for the exciting new changes that are to come my way and all of that doesn’t need to be done from here as there will be a great deal of support and guidance from family and friends and professionals that are awaiting for me on my return to the outside world.
I don’t doubt for a second that It’s going to be very strange & tough as for the last year or so I have spent my time being in and out of hospital. From this admission I have taken on board that this is not a life or one I want to live or need to live in order to manage and regulate my emotions. To be happy, healthy and in a mentally and physically better place I know longer need to live that life to get the support I need. It’s come to my attention that support is always around for you if you allow it to be and I honestly can’t wait for the day I have a set date to leave here fully recovered and in a good headspace living my life as a male of which I have wanted to do for such a long time but just never really knew how.
“It’s not about being a new person, but becoming the person you were already meant to be”
In my long stint here I have managed to discover myself, talk about my feelings and have begun to laugh and smile again and see that there is in fact a really good life waiting for me outside of these walls one of which consists of not having an Eating Disorder or feeling so mixed up in the wrong body with people not knowing and being unable to transition into who I want to be to make life easy. Now my future is looking really exciting not only for me but those around me who are supporting and routing for me along the way.
The transition from my youth to now has be anxiety-induced, especially having to navigate the physical changes and social pressures to fit in and allowing the feeling that my gender should match up to the body parts that I have been assigned with, but there is only so much suppressing you can do. 17 years of pain and looking at a reflection that just isn’t right!! Now I have allowed for these feelings to be addressed and those closest to me to be apart of this I can now begin to start the transition phase in to becoming a male. It is going to be a very rollercoaster of a ride with many twists and turns and huge decisions to be make but all of which I am very excited by and I hope everybody else is too because as the song of High School Musical goes…. “Were all in this together”
The Dysphoria has created a big feeling of dissatisfaction, anxiety, and restlessness with the great discomfort of being in a female body. It is so intense that it has interfered with my normal life and social activities, leaving me feeling very isolated and I have missed out or felt detached from those closest to me of which I want to get back to and rebuild relationships because I simply don’t want to lose those who mean so much just because of my gender. Now that everyone is aware there are small steps that I can take in the interim period to move one step closer to receiving the treatment that I need.
“It doesn’t mean the end of everything, but more the beginning”
As of Wednesday I will be making another change into the new person of Jode and having a complete restyle of my hair, it’s going to be super different and could be a love it or hate it moment bit like Marmite. Putting that to one side though all I want to do is embrace it and get used to the change so that it will be a worthwhile stepping stone into making me, ME. It has been something I have wanted for a very long time but never had the confidence or reasoning to do it and pull it off without fearing negative comments but now I’m ready and fully committed and full of excitement towards this very important feature that will begin the first part of my appearance transition. I’m thinking of videoing the change so watch this space if you would like to see my Wizard of a Sister help me brave the shave!!!
As with regards to my weight I’m still underweight but in the last few days I have noticed the bodily changes so now the weight restore can begin along with coming to terms with one of the harsh realities of recovery that it can take a while for your body to return to that of a normal GI functioning. This can be a physically and emotionally uncomfortable process that makes you vulnerable to returning back to your prior Eating Disorder habits. But I have to stay strong and stick with it. With the right help and guidance, I know I can get through this and enjoy all of the wonderful advantages of recovery without the painful stomach symptoms.
The stomach discomfort I have experienced is like when you’ve been to an all you can’t eat buffet (Cosmos) and filled your boots with several helpings, I was that full I asked a staff member if I could have C-section rather than be sick hahah! Obviously she laughed but did also assure me that it is natural to now want to avoid the pain by going back to my usual way of wanting to feel empty or to decrease food intake. I am trusting the wisdom of the powers that be and am trying not to problem solve on my own and take the help that is on hand 24:7 to ensure I do not revert back to old ways.
The body does a lot to compensate when you are malnourished. One of the things it does is slow down how quickly food moves through the GI system, this is done in an effort to improve the absorption of essential nutrients. The changes in how are bodies process and absorb food are caused by the recent disordered eating patterns. I know that this feeling will pass and my body will adjust once I have achieved an appropriate nutrition level and the body feels that it is getting enough of the vital nutrients that it needs. It will then hopefully begin to move food through more efficiently to speed up the healing process of weight restoring and getting myself out of here.
My Eating Disorder didn’t happen overnight though so all of the GI symptoms associated with this are going to take time to resolve. It is unfortunately one of the last systems of my body to get back to normal during this recovery period, so I need to be patient with this and work with what is comfortable along with the experienced professionals who can do nothing but support you through this transition period. Just formulating small incremental goals that support my recovery as well as beginning of minimising the GI symptoms. The stomach discomfort during this period is going to be extremely difficult but I have the next few weeks to focus solely on this and in turn I have no doubt that I’ll overcome this just like I have thought off the sickness!!!
“Your body can withstand almost anything, it’s your mind that you need to convince”
I have managed to switch my thinking from planning my day around food & eating & being sick to planning my future and I honestly never thought the day would come but now it has and seeing the progress on more than one occasion I can honestly say I have not even thought about looking back! This period for me is now about working with my therapists to contextualise everything into life at home so I can start to begin the transition of getting back to a life that I do deserve to live fully.
I am running on so much adrenaline from the buzz that being in a better mindset has created all because of the huge weight that has been lifted which has ultimately allowed me to be free and be who I’ve always wanted to be. It has bought up lots of emotion and yes the remainder of my time here is not going to be easy but I’m so excited to better myself in the coming weeks to allow to make way for my future and what it will have to offer. There are going to be many more decisions to come along the way, bumps and hurdles as I look to transition to the person I have always wanted to be but my god it will be so worth it and my gosh is it exciting and refreshing to no longer have to live a lie!!
“Old ways won’t open new doors”
My recovery must come first so that everything I want in life doesn’t have to come last!
Peace & Love – Jode
The Mind Diary 