Since a young age I have known that something wasn’t quite right within my body and what will always stick with me is saying that I want to be a boy and have a sex change at the age of Seven. It was dismissed daily by myself and others too and was just of the growing up of a “Tom Boy” phase. It has however sat so true to me and has never left me and I still feel the same way towards myself and always have and always will and now it’s the time to come out to progress further in my transition in becoming the person I want to be with pride.
Gender dysphoria is a disorder where individuals experience discomfort with their biological sex; the individual was born as a male or female but identifies as the opposite sex. An example of that is I was biologically born as a female but I identify as a male, and that’s what you call gender identity.
I want to use this time to become fully accepting of myself and let all of you know respectively that I do have Gender Dysphoria and am Transgender because the body I was assigned with at birth is not what my body wants me to be so to put it in simple terms I do in fact represent as male and not of a female.
When I was younger the thought that probably crossed most of peoples minds was again just me going through the “Tom Boy” stage that eventually I would grow out of. For me I knew this was something a lot stronger but I have just never found the confidence or ways to express how it was I actually felt. Suppressing it and pretending to be a girl seemed the best way to deal with this and felt like to be accepted I had to be that way so I did my upmost to keep up with this; like wearing make-up, dressing like a girl when out with friends, or asking advice from my Sister of whom I compared myself to be like as I felt that was what was needed to let go of the feelings I felt surrounding being a male. Just as I forced myself to have boyfriends and physical relationships because that’s what society made you feel you had to do. After coming to terms that this in fact okay and there is a place for you in society no matter your gender or sexuality that I am now beginning to embrace me and be me and not force things that aren’t necessary.
It’s only now after being trapped inside of this Eating Disorder that has controlled my life for several years as a a way of maintaining a certain weight and shape that I have finally had enough of hiding and damaging my body physically and mentally. It’s completely exhausting faking and living a lie and now being in this environment with 1:1 support and therapy / group sessions I have come to the ultimate conclusion that to move forward with my life, I need to be open and honest with myself and to those of who I love so that I can move forward in my journey with the the correct support.
I’m not embarrassed to say that I was ever a woman as it’s a part of who I am and how I was raised and what I still am at the moment feature wise. Just having the perspective of both genders has been difficult as I have longed to feel more comfortable in my own body and wanted to have certain masculine features such as a flat chest and my Eating Disorder has served a real purpose in this. Now it is out there, I’m currently being given the support and correct guidance to move forward throughout my transition. My aim when I came here was to walk out of these doors happy, healthy and comfy in my own body, rather than the unhappy, unhealthy, depressed one who I walked in as.
Rejection from family, relatives and friends is something that I have worried about for a very long time, so to keep it hidden and pretending to be something I’m not seemed the best way as there has been a lot of guilt and shame and that those around me might not take me for who I truly am.
Luckily for me my solid family base and tight-knit group of friends were hardly surprised by my decision when I came out to them. They have in fact been incredibly supportive and want to begin and be apart of this journey with me. In fact a lot of them have said they saw it coming but just didn’t want to say anything as it ultimately has to come from within you. I have learnt that people who truly love and support you, your gender identity has little to do with what they love about you. This has stuck with me over the past week and has been something that I have cherished so that when I leave Newmarket House I have the support network to lead the life I have always wanted and truly live.
Being referred to a Gender Dysphoria Clinic is just the beginning of this journey and will take a long time to begin the process of changing physically. For me the use of Testosterone Hormones and Top Half Surgery are the two most important changes for me as this has been something I have struggled with the most. The wait and how quickly this will happen is a long, long way off but for now it’s time to commence living as a male, by continuing to dress like a boy, getting the all important haircut that I have wanted for sometime along with being referred to as he and the use of male pro-nouns and being called Jode or Jod rather than Jody.
My pre-transition self knows that however more difficult life gets, fighting the world as your authentic self is better than fighting yourself on behalf of the world. Nothing is worse than constantly beating yourself up. I feel like I’ve been renting a space in my body for what seems like an eternity. Nothing feels more exciting, scary, and wonderful than deciding to really move into yourself. I just want people to know just how much happiness this transition is going to bring and for me to not be living a lie.
Which gets me to the reason why I told you this story in the first place and that is because it hasn’t been easy for me to be myself. We live in a world full of discrimination and hate, going from homophobia to racism to transphobia and people who are sexist. How I see it is, we’re all humans and there is always going to be that one person that just loves pointing out the differences in each and every one of us. Diversity is a beautiful creation and I just don’t understand why people won’t accept it. I also don’t understand why people get a buzz off what doesn’t affect them.
A lot of people say, “Why are you making it hard for yourself?” “Why can’t you just stay the same?” And a lot of people think it’s a choice. Well, it is but it isn’t. I know that doesn’t make sense, so put it this way: Yes, it’s a choice to transition into the gender you identify with, but having gender dysphoria is not a choice. For example, I could chose to stay as a female, which is biological sex at birth. However, I would feel really uncomfortable with myself and no-one should have to feel this way about themselves.
This is my first time sharing my transition story even if it’s just the beginning. I appreciate those who have just begun to support me and listen and to those that are now reading this with no clue or maybe had some idea as to what has been going on but for now I can openly say I’m a proud to Identify as a Male and will continue this journey with the support of loved ones!
I am still currently here at Newmarket House to tackle this Eating Disorder and although it’s taken 6 months to fully open up and be honest I have now found the point of stuckness that has been holding me back as a coping mechanism to keep my weight shape as a form of masculinity. Now that I know what I am feeling is okay and normal when dealing with Gender Dysphoria I hope that this will now become easier to move on and fight off this horrible illness of Anorexia Nervosa/Binge Purge Sub-type and allow me to live a free, exciting and overall happy life with lots of new opportunities, surrounded by those who will continue to love and support me on this new journey as a male.
So from now on I would like be known as a son, a brother, a grandson, a nephew, a cousin, an uncle as I am HIM so call me HE! I know that’s quite a massive change for me and others to get used to but after all this is me and who I want to be and this is a first step of change that I can begin doing now whilst I await for the rest of my transition to start.
I’m going to end it there before I shed anymore tears and just emphasise that all “I am person, a human being, and this is a human life. This is reality for me, and all I ask for is acceptance and validation for what it is that say that I am with it being a basic human right.”
Over and out – Jode
The Mind Diary 