I’ve been trapped in a haze of malnutrition for many years either eating too little or eating too much blunting the feelings of overwhelming anxiety that drown me. I cannot comprehend what is driving this behaviour, I’ve been told before this admission that I COULDN’T quite possibly have an Eating Disorder because I didn’t have a fear of fatness. Truth of the matter is I was just lying and in serious denial. I am driven by a desire to be thin which has further frustrated and alienated me, so I did stop believing in trying to get help. The diagnosis of Anorexia with Binge-Purge Subtype has saw me struggle so much, as it has served its function as not a way to intentionally lose weight to begin with but rather to feel in control of my anxiety and the world in general. In fact, if it was possible to under-eat or over-eat without losing weight, I would do it.
I’ve never known how to properly control my emotions, when I was younger I hid them deep down inside without letting them go or talking about them (still to this day bottling them up, then erupting like a vulcano). I let my emotions eat me up inside, which I know is a big reason why my Eating Disorder developed. Maybe if I had known how to deal with my emotions mentally, and had of been able to express them, I probably wouldn’t be going down the path I am now.
“Showing your emotions is a sign of strength”
Although I don’t always show it I have many difficulties understanding and interpreting social cues, and tend to fixate on tiny details that make it difficult to see the bigger picture. What’s more fixating is the craving for rules, routines and rituals. I think I started turning towards food around the age of 14. It was a way for me to cope with my depression. I was active as a teenager but I’d always end up binge eating or drinking alcohol when I didn’t feel good about myself or not eating at all to experience that feeling of emptiness and pure loneliness. Looking back now, I know that bingeing, drinking and not eating properly damaged me in many ways — but at the time I was only ever trying to make myself feel better.
There was always pressure. It doesn’t matter if you’re a boy or a girl, simply going to school or being involved in group sports came with its own added pressures. Everybody wants to fit in somewhere. We’re all trying to change to fit in better, and to figure out who we are. While I was going through school, I was never overweight or anything but I felt had some extra weight on me due to playing Football. I often made a lot of jokes about it (thunder thighs, roles of fat) to the take pressure off what I thought others might be thinking. When I think about it now, I was never bullied about my weight (just my hair colour & always with the boys playing football) I was just my own biggest bully. It was my own expectations for myself that ended up being completely destructive.
“Your weight is not your worth”
I believe a lot of my Eating Disorder developed because of the sporting environment and school pressures. It made you think you need to look a certain way, and that if you don’t you’re going to be judged. It has created this horrible state of mind that I am now stuck in. If I had been able to express my feelings or seek help without feeling like my peers were judging me for something that wasn’t my fault, this might not have developed. I’ll be first to admit now I got very scared and held it in. You never know if it was just something that was on the cards – something that I had to overcome in my life to grow into the person I am today but the most important discovery is that it isn’t my fault. A lot of the traumatic stuff that has happened to me in my life and the feelings I have developed i’ve let it take control over me which lead me to believe that it was in-fact my fault. Being in recovery now, I am learning how to let things go, realising that someone else’s choices are not a reflection of me and that I don’t have to let their choices control me.
Even the positive traits with Autism that I may have, such as a strong will and determination, can be hijacked to fuel my Eating Disorder. I am someone who’s very determined, who sets my mind on something and doesn’t budge from my cause, which can play into something more sinister. My behaviours on the Autism spectrum fall into this category which include food cravings, food refusals and, particularly, a limited diet.
“Life has become a state of sensory overload”
It’s all about routine and ritual. Either I eat all the time and release the emotion via vomiting, or I don’t eat and starve myself to feel that sense of emptiness. I have highly selective eating requirements and am very sensitive to textures, look, smell, of foods. The five main tastes are; sweetness, sourness, saltiness, bitterness and savouriness, Reasonably simple? In principle, yes, but in reality food literally has a life of its own. An apple ‘should’ be sweet, but it can be watery. Tomatoes can be sweet or sour or savoury depending on their ripeness and type. This has always been difficult to explain because I will have lashings of tomato sauce but then I’m not be able to eat a tomato based dish because of the causes of experience during and after. There is anticipation in my tongue, even when I am about to eat something that I love, I don’t know quite what it will taste like until I have tried it. As well as tastes there are textures; I find soft foods really hard to sense in my mouth. There are no edges, no spatial boundaries that enable me to work out where it is and what I need to do with it. It’s really easy for me to turn a blind eye if I have these sorts of foods, which means its very tiring to try and coordinate every single mouthful from intake to swallowing.
“I wish people knew that my mental health is physical to”
To hide this has been extremely difficult and comes with a huge sense of embarrassment as no-one knows no-one has ever picked up on it when it occurs. Generally, I prefer meals that I have a much better sense of where the food is, and also feel more connected to; If I am connected to the food, this makes it safer to me and easier for me to eat, which is why I prefer to cook so I know exactly what goes in. There’s too much diversity in taste and texture and it becomes an overwhelming chore. Flavours, textures and methods of eating mean that simple combinations of foods are much more accessible. I’ve tried to train my teeth to make even bites and mouthfuls but they won’t. There’s always a risk I’ll end up with a huge mouthful I can’t manage, or bits of food will fall out. I probably sound like an atrocious eater. I’m not the most coordinated at home, but that doesn’t matter because I’m in my own environment and can eat the foods I am comfortable with in the way that I need, with the people I love without it being noticed or questioned. Where as now I hate where I am eating and who I’m surrounded by which makes it harder for me to complete this process so I’m like the speediest eater you ever did meet just to remove myself from the situation. The aspect of sitting with others while eating can also be difficult at times. This can include oral struggles, such as chewing and swallowing, as well as gastrointestinal problems which can make eating a non-pleasurable experience.
I have built a repertoire of foods I am more comfortable with, that are less challenging to my brain and tongue. I think this is reasonably broad, although others find it surprising I can have the same over and over again. But it’s not the same meal to me as it will always taste and feel a bit different while I am eating it. And even if it didn’t, what’s wrong with sticking to things I feel comfortable with? When I’m having a really anxious day, the last thing I need is to heap more stress on my head by challenging myself. Don’t judge my level of diversity against yours, but understand how much of an adventure each mealtime is even with exactly the same ingredients.
“Your life is your story, write well edit often”
This is not the end of the challenges I have being Autistic because when it comes to eating, there are also many other autistic quirk related factors which play a role in this unhealthy relationship and with the obsessive personality playing havoc. The thought process is always difficult when it comes to food whether it be; The food eaten, who is there?, when will it take place?, what time?, what will be seen?, what will be smelt? what is going to happen after?, basically anything and everything I’ll be thinking of and you become stuck in this vicious cycle of a thought pattern.
“Autism is not a processing error, it’s a different operating system”
Autism is characterized by restricted, repetitive or stereotyped behaviour. For me I like to do the same thing in patterns each day, and get very distressed when this schedule is disrupted. Even my OCD of doing or applying everything in 3’s is a strong characteristic. For example; I do my hair 3 times a day even if its not out of place or I’m going to bed or the compulsive spraying of perfume and body spray using 3 squirts at a time. My characteristics of Autism/OCD are similar to the traits that I have when referring to my Eating Disorder.
I take longer to process information and answer questions; so allowing me time to respond is most beneficial because i’ve always been a sucker for the finer details; those seemingly insignificant pieces that build the bigger picture. Focusing on these pieces can be tiring and time-consuming, but diverts my attention to the insecurities I have with my body and drives my need for control over my body. An inability to just consider the bigger picture makes me impulsive and reckless. Being Autistic hyper-focuses and hones in on specifics as a way to avoid confusion and prevent me from becoming overwhelmed and that is how I have learned to cope with this. The reality is had I have spoken up sooner and seeked help this may never have materialised in to the disorder it is today.
“The secret of your success is hidden in your daily routine”
It’s the rules and routines that I depend on for a sense of stability adding for this to develop and happen gradually, over time, and it developed long before I had even recognised it and now it’s got to the point of not knowing how to let go. I feel like the rules, the routine, the ritual, are always in the back of my mind, even if they’re diminished sometimes, it’s very hard to break that mindset. It impacts my daily life, and I’m physically & mentally unwell. I just need to keep believing that I can still lead a fulfilling happy life and achieve lots of the things I want to, it just might mean that you have to know your limits and plan carefully and that it is possible to get better and be happy.
I have a lot of support on the outside but what I don’t want people to expect is for me to get better overnight, because it’s a work in progress everyday. There are many things that trigger my Eating Disorder, and there’s a lot of pressure that goes with trying to recover from one. We all need to eat to survive so the pressure is 24/7 for me because all I do at the moment is Eat, Sleep & Repeat. So if I do become disassociated just take a step back. Don’t push. Encourage everyday to be honest and open, be there to support every step of the way and most importantly just please don’t give up on me. Being able to express myself and not hide my true feelings is an accomplishment and a huge step I want to take moving towards having a successful life so thank you to my nearest and dearest for your patience. I do still have a very long way to go, the recovery process is quite intense but just know I am in the safest of hands unravelling everything to help get to the root cause and if that means being here a year then so be it. I want to walk out these doors fully recovered and not looking back but looking forward to the future!
The Mind Diary 