Well if this Lockdown has taught me anything it’s that Family & Friends are incredibly important during tough times. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t struggling right now, I’m missing home, I’m missing my beloved Family, Dogs, Friends and having a normal life away from lockdown, Newmarket House and my Eating Disorder which has consumed much of my life.
There are voices in my head that I’ve never heard before, voices that are extremely unkind. I have strict rules that I have to follow else I punish myself. Which has always felt tough which made my weight drop in the first place, along with my mood drop and normal life becoming really hard. I have fought so much to not let this take over, but it did, it has. Slowly it took over, slowly, but aggressively. Anorexia Nervosa is not something that can be a small part of you, once it takes hold it wants to be everything. I tried to fight it myself, but I failed. My family and friends tried to help me fight and understand, but that wasn’t quite enough either. I agreed to enter hospital treatment because I want change so badly. Thursday 16th January I took those first terrifying steps through the door; I wanted to cry; I did cry. It was horrible. It was hard. I did not want to be there but I knew I needed to; I was here; and am still here and will be for sometime.
It has taken me forever to open up and get to this point in the first place so now having a spanner thrown in the works and learning how to cope with the new norm from the Corona Virus is incredibly difficult. I often feel so alone and panic when things get too much, I self-harm by punching walls or kicking and destroying things to let out my frustration and as well as challenging my Eating Disorder there is the diagnosis of Autism which is now being addressed and me slowly becoming accepting of this alongside the behaviours of my Eating Disorder to distinguish the link between the two strong characteristics.
I never thought I would be the type of person to write about my experience with an Eating Disorder as I always feel that people would just think I was lying or attention seeking. I am still scared about sharing this because I don’t want it to change how people see or treat me, but then again I suppose this is also the point I want to make so people are aware and can understand.
I have never learnt how to interrupt the oncoming surge of emotions that I feel. So now looking into recognising what my anger and all this is towards, and acknowledging that: yes, responding angrily and being sick may feel great initially, but it doesn’t in the long run. I am now exploring different ways of learning how to respond to them in a more appropriate way so that this doesn’t cause harm to myself because when the stress then develops into anxiety it can bring up a sheer load of panic and sadly this is just the way my brain reacts when I feel I am anxious or angry.
If there is one positive I can take from this time during lockdown is that I know I can change things. I have shown in previous weeks when I’ve been in the right mindset that I can achieve good things and push and delay the time of the sickness with the latest time being 3:45PM. For most people who don’t know or haven’t read the rest of my blog won’t understand the ins and outs and all what this consists of but instead of being sick after every consumption of food for reasons that I am still exploring, I have however managed to keep Breakfast, Snack and Lunch down which in itself is a massive achievement from my previous patterns and behaviours.
“It always seems impossible until it’s done”
Each day I start the day off with a Motivational Quote which is relevant to my current situation and this helps me to be positive and get ready to challenge the day ahead. The eating disorder head is so so strong along with behaviours of your own or of that come from other patients that can easily put you off track. I am doing my upmost to not let this get in the way but with the restrictions now in place from the pandemic you’re literally faced with it 24:7 and there is no escaping this. Seeing it visually easily sends you off course for the day, and as they keep saying in here “put your blinkers on”, turn a blind eye and focus on you!! All that is certainly easier said than done but it is true and only I can challenge myself and do something about it. It is a tricky situation to be in as well as trying to have some compassion towards those who are also struggling like you.
I am faced with a wide range of struggles that have now been bought to the surface which makes it even more difficult for me to manage. My OCD is at an all time high, my delayed processing and understanding due to my Autism is also being put to the test along with the sensory overload that comes with this. This leads to worst part about me that I hate which is the extreme frustration and anger that has pent up inside over the years and just gets expressed in the wrong way. I have only now just started to open up about this to help people understand more but actually it then leaves me feeling more vulnerable and exposed leading me to interprate things in the wrong context which again is almighty hard and either leaves me in floods of tears or like a raging bull ready to be let loose.
I honestly would love to be able to flick a switch to make this all stop, I would love to understand what this all means, I’d love to lead a normal life and not have to struggle everyday. The matter of fact is though I have to do all that, I have to begin to allow this time too accept this and explore all avenues of my struggles because the other alternative is to go back living the same old miserable life pretending to be happy when your not. I’ll only be letting myself suffer and those closest to me too as they’re the ones who have to sit back and watch.
“Let go of guilt and shame”
I know I’m in the best place for recovery but its opening up to this fact and allowing for these thoughts and feelings to be accepted and explored in greater depth. Breaking down and segmenting each difficulty whether that be the Eating Disorder, Autism, OCD or Grief, Life’s Ambitions all of it will be playing a contributing factor and until this has all been established the process to getting back to things I love will be the ultimate gift of all.
This process is quite an intense experience though and I can’t begin to tell you on somedays how increasingly hard it is to even want to get up out of bed because you know it will be same shit different day but as each day passes it is ultimately helping me reach towards my goal even if I don’t see it quite yet; which is to be free from Anorexia Nervosa, to understand more about my Autism and how to deal with my emotions, learning to decrease the OCD and not be such the perfectionist and to overall be happy and comfortable in my own skin and just be who I am! All the people that our supporting me or making contact messaging in some way shape or form are the ones who are helping me realise I can do this and there is a better life that awaits outside these doors of Newmarket House.
These of course, are probably the typical thoughts someone with this illness has but I still find it hard to relate them. It’s such a strange and dangerous cycle of thoughts, and of course the reality is having an eating disorder is just a mask of control that I use to manage what’s really going on in my life. The truth is my life has and still is ruled by my weight, routines and structure around food and this is the reality of living with an eating disorder. I always feel like the odd one out or that people just don’t really understand me and I know I have pushed people out and avoided social gatherings because I’m afraid of losing this warped sense of control I think I have on my life. And this is the reality of living with it.
So, I just want people to know that if I am distant or decline to do things on some days, it’s more than likely because there are million other thoughts in my head I have to battle with before making a decision. It’s not that I don’t want to speak to you, it’s just too much of an overload. I have encountered panic attacks by deciding whether to do it or not do it and get in such a state I just cannot face it and disassociate myself from events going on. I want to write this to break these secrets I have been keeping and hope that people will understand why I sometimes act distant or detached. I feel like my eating disorder has taken away my personality and identity and I don’t know who I am or what I actually want to do sometimes.
“You never know when a moment and few sincere words can have an impact on a life”
I consider myself to be extremely lucky to have a family and a set of friends that I can always talk to and trust not to judge me. I always know that if I was having a bad day, there is someone I could talk to and I truly believe that without them, I would no longer be here today. I still have bad days and I still have times where I self-isolate and disassociate myself but I’m starting to control that now. I know the importance of being kind to your body and mind and being able to love yourself is something many find extremely difficult, me included but is something I’m working on.
“You cannot change what’s going on around you, until you start changing what is within you”
I have come to terms that recovery doesn’t always happen for some people as I have seen this first hand. It does feel like bit of a school reunion here at the moment with a bunch of muppets that don’t want to change and with that I have now begun to have alternative thoughts and compare that this will be the reality for me, but actually when I’m in the right mindset it’s not what I want for me and I am prepared to fight for a life worth living and fully recover and be free from all the shit this horrible illness has thrown up for me. I’m still very young and have lots more that I want to do and achieve and I am not prepared to let this stop me from getting to that happy place. All though I can only see a small amount of progress at the moment it’s a battle I am prepared to fight for, I see a lot of hope and want to take this chance/opportunity to gain the tools to be kind to myself and make me feel happy again, along with feeling comfortable within myself to make a daughter that my Mum & Dad can be proud of.
Even to this day, I want recovery more than anything, yet struggle with the process of what that means. As I eat and function normally and crave that as a healthy human, this demonic part of my brain still pulls me back like an annoying toddler craving attention. I want so desperately to focus on my recovery achievements. In gaining weight despite the fact that everything in my body and mind was and still is screaming at me not to, every single day I have to overcome a mental hurdle that many people will never experience. It can be frustrating that nobody other than someone who has experienced it themselves really understands the significance of the type of courage that you have to rev up all day every day in order to get into a recovered body.
I hope one day I start to see my body as a trophy. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: eating disorders are so poorly understood and misconceived. They are seen as an individual that is heavily represented as a young, white female, making an active choice towards their Eating Disorders irrespective of the feelings of those around them.
“Don’t let the scale define you”
Anorexia is not a physical illness. It isn’t just about weight or BMI. Being a ‘normal’ weight is not an indicator of recovery on its own. Eating disorders are mental illnesses. Weight gain and reduction are just physical symptoms but not indicative of an individual’s wellbeing and currently I am still along way off being restored to a healthy weight range. It’s so damaging to somebody in recovery to be labelled as ‘recovered’ simply because they’re weight restored. The message it gives is ‘get on with life’, ‘you’re better now’, ‘you don’t deserve support’, ‘you were never ill in the first place’, ‘you just chose to live that way!’ I always assume that people will call this a silly phase that I am just going through but actually all of it is very real.
What people don’t appreciate is that one of the most difficult parts of recovery is being able to accept a ‘normal’ body while the mind is still ‘anorexic’. Becoming a healthy weight means that a lot of buried feelings come to the surface. These can be painful and difficult to process, It’s also a critical point in recovery – things get tougher emotionally, depression and OCD, Autism and General routines.
Therapy is helping me to unearth these problems. The key question for me is to answer and with the discovery to learn valuable things about yourself. It’s a difficult climb, but one that has to come from inside yourself and not from society’s voice and knowing that the people around you understand that no matter what you’re physically showing, it is no representation of the journey you’re processing from within.
The ‘all or nothing’ high expectations will soon become a good thing, once I learn and allow to use them to my advantage, take a step back and accept a leg up when needed to be able to enjoy the ultimate view from the top. I am starting to take personal development a bit more seriously, and I’ve spent a good amount of time reflecting on my recent past as a result through Therapy. I suppose what I’m trying to do is paint a picture of where I am now and hopefully provide a bit of a ‘sunshine story’ to end this story on a positive note.
I have decided to continue writing and adding to my blog to see how far I have come later down the line and to start creating a new beginning for myself and live a life where it’s not just me and my eating disorder but it’s me and the rest of the world and to also help others in the process to know that any eating disorder is not a way of life but a debilitating illness which if not accepted will control every aspect of your life.
A massive Thank you to those of you that have stood by me throughout my journey so far – I am always thinking of you and as the Queen said “We will meet again”
The Mind Diary 