The past two months have quickly flown by and still I find myself staring at the same exhausted, weak, depressed, pathetic, lonely self in the mirror. Being in here has opened my eyes to a whole new world of what my Eating Disorder is actually all about and it’s very scary and difficult to see a life without it at the moment because it is what has been my coping mechanism for a every long time as well as everything being magnified and made to feel a whole lot worse, as every minute of every waking day is spent thinking about the disorder that is consuming your life.
The current climate with the COVID-19 has put my journey on a bit of a hold and it has made me crumble and see my try to take my own life on two separate occasions or cause physical harm to myself to try and take the pain away. I know it sounds pathetic and it is embarrassing to even admit it as well but it has just been extremely difficult to see light at the end of the tunnel when it literally feels like I am only in here to currently be fed. All groups have been put on hold from Body Image to Self-Esteem, Perfectionism, and Management of meals along with the most important thing of all Therapy which is now being held over Skype (Which is very very weird). All of these groups are to help aid recovery and that at the moment feels as though its holding me back from reaching my full recovery and although there is staff support throughout the day this is very minimal when you find it difficult to reach out and there being a lot of us now confined under one roof, confined by COVID-19 rules and there being no structure or routine to the day.
It has driven me absolutely insane, I hate not having structure in my daily routine and it is constantly making me feel like a volcano about to erupt and on occasions this does appear to happen, whether it be punching walls, headbutting the wall, smashing plates or worst of all completely breaking down and crying to the point I exhaust myself and cry myself to sleep. Over time it just builds up to the point you reach your peak of feeling a sense of hopelessness because I feel unable to ask for help to which made me stockpile up all of my medication and take them in big hits in hope that I wouldn’t wake up or planning to jump out of my bedroom window just too run away from it all. I have even endured a stay over at the Norfolk & Norwich after causing significant nerve damage to my right hand through punching walls repeatedly. I have been unable to control this anger and frustration because I feel I’m not where I should be at, at this moment in time because of how long I have been here and away from home. Home of which all of this was still happening but yet all of which is still happening here, I’m just in the best place to reduce and delay and avoid admission to hospital.
“RECOVERY; It will be one of the scariest things to ever happen, but it might just also be the best”
Being on complete lock down, has made me sit and wallow in this Eating Disorder and although there has been some days with success this overall hasn’t been enough to allow me to see the good things that will become once I’m recovered. It’s also very triggering to be able to see sight of a full recovery when your surrounded by people who may also be struggling as much as you but ultimately have been here before and have had to come back because they cant escape it. That frightens me so much because I know and want to be here to fully recover to live a life away from this horrible illness and fight back to getting on with my life. Getting back to my Family, Friends, Pooches, Football, Driving, Working and everything else that is classified as normal in ones life (All of which no one should take for granted). You’d think with everything there to lose it would be enough to just click your fingers and be free from what is holding you back but sadly the grip this illness has on you is incredibly strong and facing it everyday is very scary to say the least. I’m incredibly lucky to have a strong support base back home and have had frequent facetimes with family, in depth chats with patients of who I’m closest too and staff of which really do want to help.
Throughout this early part of my journey I have been introduced to different therapists, consultants, dietitian and endless support staff, however I still seem unable to pull myself out of the restriction and control cycle I am in which has only now come to light that I had I of spoke up sooner then perhaps things wouldn’t be as tough as they are. I am consumed by self-destruction, and disbelief that there is no way out. I hate it, I hate the life I was in and am currently still stuck in, I have never asked for this, never have I wanted it but all I know is I desperately want a way out; it scares me more than anything at the moment as I have always been frightened of what being WELL actually means and looks like.
I am now somewhere that will give me the direction I need, to show me that it is okay to have certain feelings, that it is okay to sit and relax and to eat normal meals and be a certain weight and shape and most importantly stop the feeling of being sick after any consumption and to stop being in the mindset of feeling better when I am completely empty. I hope soon enough my mind and body will accept this as I have differed from many anorexics in the sense; I have never been scared of food, I eat everything that is put in front of me, however I second guess every meal and think what is the point in eating just to walk it all off afterwards by being sick. Despite being exhausted and having a phobia of sick I am unable to stop this from happening whether it be a distraction of 10mins, 30mins an hour or two hours after eating I am sick involuntary without any force which subsequently results in me physically harming myself to try and get it to stop because it feels like it’s always there and never going to go away. It makes me feel weak, pathetic, hopeless and an embarrassment every time I enter the toilet and even by being surround people in a similar situation it is actually a really triggering time completely which can alter daily day by day with other peoples behaviors affecting your recovery.
It is a very lonely place in here at times and you feel consumed by all your own negative thoughts and feelings which does make you feel like giving up but after several attempts of trying to commit suicide and failing I now believe there is a reason why this hasn’t happened. A reason that it’s okay to have bad days but ultimately every time the set back is making way for me to bounce back. Bouncing back with full support from my Family and Friends outside of here but mainly the staff here at Newmarket House who work tirelessly to help aid and guide me to where I want to be.
Although the majority of the time you feel alone and spend time on your own blocking the world out with your headphones there is actually people in here who make the days pass by a lot easier, who make you laugh and smile without even trying. Sustaining and making friendships isn’t what you come here to do but I am true believer that there is some people you just instantly click with, those who are here and listen to your problems and those who have flown the nest and beginning their journey away from here who have bettered themselves and thrived of a life away from there eating disorder. The banter that can fly about is hilarious and can take a lot of your problems away in moments of difficulty also making it quite meaningful and a great distraction when hidden behind your smile is a struggling individual.
“See me as a person not just my Eating Disorder”
Family & Friend visits have been very limited due to finding it extremely difficult having a long-distance relationship at this present time and although they know about my Eating Disorder allowing them to see me in this setting is very upsetting. I worry about everything, from what we were going to do, talk about, how long they would stay, what time would they be arriving, would I get too tired, what if I can’t handle it…and most importantly I didn’t want things to dwell on why I’m here and doing this. I was worried that when I saw them they wouldn’t see me, they’d just see my illness. That the conversation would revolve around my Eating Disorder or that they feel like they’re treading on eggshells to not worry or upset me or most importantly see them upset themselves. I was worried that my illness would be a barrier and try to break us apart as having an Eating Disorder can be all consuming, it can literally take over your life, your every thought and behavior. You can become so entrenched by it that you find yourself feeling lost in it and your anxiety then being sky high. You lose sight of your identity, the things you once loved, the things that made you smile suddenly become forgotten about, and you find yourself living in the shadows of the illness.
So here I am, at the beginning of a whirlwind of an incredible but tough journey. It has taken me over a year to accept that I have have an eating disorder. I am now in a centered approached place and finding the strategies and the ability to cope with life away from this illness. At the minute I am still in the processing stage of accepting and realising that there is no reason to be ashamed of mental health, it is infact the turning point in my journey. This realisation isn’t pleasant, and I feel weaker and lower than ever before but I’m starting to realise I am a bloody strong human with the ability to change my life for the better.
We are made to believe that we have to stay strong all the time, that we can’t accept weakness and that we must carry on because it will get better. This belief has messed our generation up. We are too scared to ask for help and the development has created such a huge stigmatism that is negative and allowed other people to judge them, making them feel worse about being brave.
During this journey I have realised that the only thing worse than my mental health is other people and their lack of understanding, their lack of knowledge and the simple fact they don’t believe it’s a real thing. This could be their own denial or just plain selfishness, but they don’t think it’s real. It’s hard to carry on with life when you’re told to stop thinking irrationally, to stop letting mental health define you and to stop using it as a reason.
“I wish I’d of talked to someone about how I was feeling, yet at the time, I felt embarrassed and ashamed that I had let people down”
At school I don’t think anyone twigged what was going on. I used to put my lunch in the bin or spend my dinner money on things other than food but I never said why and I didn’t seem to wonder why either. This meant I could easily avoid food, when I wasn’t around the watchful eyes of my family.
When I do speak out, I also find people can patronise me, there’s often a head tilt and they say they feel sorry for me. I don’t need pity, I’m still a human. Having said all that, I don’t shy away from speaking out, even when people are ignorant, I like that because it gives me a chance to challenge those opinions.
Now I’m working on sharing my experiences to help others hence why I started blogging to show people that it is okay to have struggles and to struggle daily, but reaching out for help or crying for help in my case is the only way you can begin to move forward. I think the hardest thing with a mental illness is the fact that you don’t ‘look’ ill. If I have a cold or an injury, I will quite happily moan about my cold for days! Yet, I will barely be able to look someone in the eye and say ‘I have an eating disorder.’ I suppose it’s the fear of people’s reactions.
I’m currently being treated at an eating disorder unit in Norwich called Newmarket House of which not many people know that, because I have either felt too ashamed and embarrassed to tell anyone or because there is just a general lack of understanding that I’m actually still in hospital. I’m 24 years old; Sporty, Out going, Loved – how on earth could I have an eating disorder? How on earth could I tell people about it? In the end other people realised anyway and started to confront me, which terrified me. I denied everything most of the time that anyone questioned me about my weight loss and my low mood. I wasn’t prepared to accept the fact that I had a mental illness and that made talking about it even harder. One of the situations I’ve found hardest since beginning recovery from my eating disorder is the fact that people ‘assume’ you’re better. My body may be slightly ‘better’ but my mind is not. My mind still feels as mixed up about food, my body image and my confidence as it did when I was at a completely lower weight. But to other people looking in at my life, I am starting to look ‘better’, because I ‘look’ better. Deep down in the roots this is not the case I’m exhausted and still being sick everyday, still wearing baggy jumpers to hide it along with the smile on my face at times which really doesn’t reflect what I actually feel deep down.
If I was giving any advice to anyone deciding to talk to someone with an eating disorder, I’d really advise them not talk about weight or size. An eating disorder is a serious mental illness, food and weight are only an aspect, there’s a lot more going on and it’s not helpful to focus on that. When I was at my worst people who didn’t realise I was ill, I used to be complimented on my weight loss and I then felt torn because I knew I wasn’t right, but then positive comments on my weight loss fed into my eating disorder and made me feel like I couldn’t stop or I would put on weight again.
I also think it’s very hard for a person with an eating disorder to accept that they have an illness. For a long time I have completely denied I was ill. Even being off work, going into hospital and having on going treatment wasn’t enough for me to accept that I was ill. I don’t know what really made me see that I was ill and it was okay to talk about it, but only recently I have begun to accept it.
“The stigma made me want to keep it a secret”
I know for me that the stigma attached to having an eating disorder made me want to keep it a secret, and my eating disorder fed on the lies and the fact that I felt I couldn’t tell anyone. But now I feel I want to talk about it. I want to talk about it because it’s not fair that eating disorders have such a stigma attached to them. It’s not fair that so many people are still struggling, and it’s not fair that there are so many misconceptions about eating disorders.
It is hard work, and every meal is a battle here. I sit there with a plate of food placed in front of me, scoffing it down as quickly as I can just to escape from the table to then begin the battle of fighting off the sickness. Tears stream down my face every time I visit the toilet to be sick as trying to fight it off just seems completely impossible. I feel completely lost at the thought of eating and am now looking at trying to concentrate on what I want from life, along with Family and Friends beginning to understand that having Anorexia Nervosa with a variety of other complex issues; Autism, OCD, Emetaphobia and other physical health issues are playing a part to this illness and that it is not just a physical thing and about putting on weight its mental too.
The few times I have begun to talk about it with people around me I have not told anyone quite the extent of it. The amount of times I have wanted to tell someone and gone over the conversation in my head beforehand of exactly what to say especially to those who close to me, but this is something that is still so possible to do. I don’t want people to change their opinion of me and I certainly don’t want this to hold me back in my life. Shutting down and not talking about my recovery and my Anorexia Nervosa isn’t going to help anyone! In reality I don’t know what would make it easier to tell people. Rationally I know people are not judging me or thinking I am weird, but it still is hard. Strangely I feel able to open up to people I barely know but to those around me even those trust I find it so hard.
I want this to be my First and ONLY admission I’m here for a full recovery and will be here for as long as it takes even if that is over 6 months. Here is a rough outline of what a day in the life of inpatient setting is like; this may not apply to each place however from various conversations with other patients, the concept is very much the same. We have shared rooms (two to a room) or single room in some cases, a lounge space, art room and access to one to one time and support staff and from nurses. Therapists are assigned to patients according to their care plan and if their treatment requires such intervention. Dieticians and doctors are also on hand for a patient to speak with, weight and bloods are monitored weekly and diet and medication adjusted accordingly in weekly reviews.
Upon arrival, I was placed on a meal plan with a calorific value to meet my required needs. This was then gradually increased over the first few weeks of admission to now being on a general specific calorific meal plan. Whole milk is also given as snacks as many of us have extremely low phosphate and protein levels, and Whole Milk provides enough phosphate and protein without overloading the system with a massive amount of energy. Milk, as the majority of you are aware, also provides essential calcium to help strengthen your bone structure, which can also be put under a massive amount of pressure when suffering with any form of Anorexia.
I have been allocated a Key Worker (Nurse) Julieeeeee who is literally the best and responsible for how I’m coping and is a huge part of my care plan during my stay. A care plan acts as a guide for all members of staff in regards to the level of care that is required, documenting goals, behaviours, triggers and signs of distress which is helpful with large turnover of staff.
Slowly as you begin to move through the process you begin to prepare/serve your own meals to begin taking back some control over food. Staff facilitates this to ensure no behaviours or restrictions occur, until then all meals are prepared and served by staff, including snacks. All meals are eaten in a communal dining room. The dining room has three different stages; stage 1 is for patients who need more support than most, stage 2 is for patients who require less support and stage 3 is for patients who are able to eat on their own without the need for staff intervention or prompting. There is a member of staff allocated to both stage 1 and 2 dining tables and will give support and prompting to those who require it.
The programme or structure in place, timetabling specific meal times of 8:30am, 10:30am, 1:00pm, 4:00pm, 6:30pm; 9:30pm along with groups that are in place throughout the week with full supervision provided after all meals and snacks for 30mins & 60mins. This is staff facilitated and used to play games BANANAGRAMS(If you know, you know) or to rest and watch TV and keep busy using your own distractions or mindfulness taken from Therapy or Groups. Groups include various recovery focused discussions, meal preparation, and lots of arts and crafts. These are focused on distracting from unwelcoming thoughts, or addressing these thoughts with the help of staff.
I have very little say over my treatment but all targets are set together with my full input to ensure they are possible and realistic and are shared with all those involved in my care. Home leave is discussed with your consultant many months down the line when your well and weight is stable enough for you to be able to go home etc. to “test” whether or not you are able to manage. Care plans are adjusted on the basis of feedback you give, and whether or not the leave went well. I often have to be reminded that everyone struggles at some point, and not to beat myself up if if things do not go or change as quickly as you expect or simply being not where you want to be. Everything within the treatment is set to get you back into as “normal” a life as possible and just because I’m not there yet doesn’t mean it wont happen.
So yes that is my big bla bla bla blog for those of you who are interested or wondering where on earth I have disappeared to but I’m still here knocking about and as my Mum would say – Be kind to yourself and take a positive out of each and everyday and soon you will reach your goal; so please all do the same and in a world where you can be anything be kind!
The Mind Diary 