I’m Jody Wells aged 24, who’s joined the world of blogging to explain my personal journey around my physical and mental health… how it started, what help I have received and the recovery journey that is continuing now. There is part of this blog that for those closest will find a tough read but for me opening up and speaking face to face is something I find very difficult doing so this felt the best way to start to allow people to enter and take a step into what it’s really been like for me and how it’s still effecting me in the here and now. It starts from the beginning with the different triggers and traumas and how over time it has developed to what’s happening now! So if your ready to begin… here it goes!
For along time I have suffered with Clinical depression, a form of Autism, Anxiety & OCD along with finding it extremely difficult dealing with Grief all from a very young age. Since the age off Eleven I have ignored these feelings and shied myself away behind a very bubbly, hard faced character who was and still is afraid of letting anyone see the struggle behind the smile.
Growing up through school was never easy it was full of enormous ups and downs. I was bullied for my hair colour and often made fun of for playing football with the boys and being more of a lad than a girl, which often made me feel quite isolated as I struggled to cope with confrontation. Within the classroom, I would often be removed for being rude, not completing the work set out because I didn’t understand, and some days I would just avoid turning up altogether as I built up so much anxiety before even entering the room along with struggling to cope with the large capacity of people. I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere, and knew that the first sign of trouble would always be blamed on me and I became very frustrated and angry towards school because no one seemed to understand. I felt unsafe and felt trapped in any situation I was put in and throughout my time at Elm Tree Middle and the transitioning to high school it only ever got worse.
Both Kirkley High & Sir John Leman were only interested in the high achievers and the school’s reputation as a whole and that was very obvious to see when constantly being tarnished as a “little shit” and that my upbringing from my parents was the cause of my behaviour? That was something I was never able to brush off as anyone who knows me and my family properly would know that is far from the truth. They are nothing but supportive, and always have my best interests at heart and literally do whatever they can to get you the help you need.
But would you believe, it took a year of being at High School with multiple exclusions, reports, meetings, managed moves and in the end Permanent Exclusions for us to be listened too and finally given the support and alternative provision I actually needed to succeed. That’s where Old Warren House Pupil Referral Unit can take all the praise for the way they quickly dealt with my needs, got hands on with the route of the problem and basically simplified everything in an small calming setting with a proper routine in place to allow my learning to finally take place. They used my strengths adapted to my needs, work was able to completed on the computer, which for me was the best thing as I found it very difficult to write as i was scared to make a mistake, but here I barely remember picking up a pen or pencil but when I did; if I did make a mistake it didn’t even matter, even asking for HELP was okay, they wanted you to tell them the problem, talk about how it makes you feel and why? and honestly that was the most weirdest overwhelming feeling in the world; going from being at school everyday feeling anxious about the day ahead, having such low self esteem and always having outbursts of violence and meltdowns when unable to complete tasks and unable to communicate and express emotion in a way people can understand the problem, to then being surrounded by loads of teachers & people who respected you and appreciated your differences and only wanted to help you achieve what you are capable of and worked with you on a more one to one level.. For me it was the best outcome especially after being given the boot from a mainstream school. Hand on heart I can honestly say without the superb support from the staff here and all the outside agencies working together I probably wouldn’t be here! I literally had zero respect for myself let alone anyone else, I abused alcohol and drunk most days just to numb the pain, which often bought out my violent side and caused my relationship with friends to break down because of it. To those people who were caught in that crossfire and had to be apart of that I am sorry. If I could change the way I was feeling and how I dealt with situations I would in a heart beat as nobody deserved to take the brunt of my actions.
I was continuously told that there wasn’t a lot going for me; I started to believe it too, I had the picture of FAILURE right in front of me every minute of every passing day,.. Except behind all that negativity that people built and of which I built up myself there actually was something…
“For the love of Sport”
From the Age of 5 I have been heavily involved with football, whether it be within a Boys team or Girls team. Without even realizing I was happy to be involved with all of it, nothing phased me, no anxiety, no stress, just enjoying the game you love with the ball at your feet, if you know you know how satisfying that actually is! I played at some of the best clubs and met some truly wonderful people of who I’m still in contact with, as there the only friends I managed to keep hold of; Waveney Youth, Mutford, Swanton Herons, Bohemians, Lowestoft, Kirkley & Pakefield, Acle and now my favorite of all Bungay. The proudest achievement however has to be being involved with the Norwich City Girls Centre of Excellence Program from the age of 8-16 where i gained a better understanding of the game, confidence and friendships that were like no other. It even bought success when looking for my first job and it was here at Norwich City CSF where I was accepted on an Apprenticeship as Youth Training Sports Coach; where I accomplished my FA Level 1 & 2 Coaching Badges and various other coaching qualifications which saw me expand my knowledge and gain an NVQ Level 2 award in Sport & Active Leadership.. Would I thought this would of been possible? Would I have met these goals by myself? No way. I did at times make the mistake of relying on my own understanding, but when I turned to other resources, including my parents, family, friends & coaches and work colleagues, I gained the wisdom I needed to accomplish the goals I was striving for.
Growing up with football though has always been very special to me and been an integral part in keeping me on the straight and narrow and making me who I am today! It has seen me meet some incredible humans who have become friends for life, some on the other hand I’m very glad to see the back of. I loved and still love every minute of football because when your out on that pitch or coaching your troubles just disappear and your focus shifts to what’s in front of you. The people who surround you are more than just teammates though, it’s like having a separate family, the bond you have is something that lasts forever and for me that’s very important as normally friendships are very short lived or more difficult to handle because I’m just not good at dealing with large circles of friends.
Of course football is not always hunky dory and it has come at a price with some real highs and awful lows the one being the hardest to come back from was the Brain Contusion I suffered which saw me unable to play again unless I wore a skull cap. It was hard to accept at first after practically being forced to be centre of attention, the name calling of Petr Cech & Helmet Head were often the first thing you heard and believe me that’s hard to block out when the heat fills the hat and exhaustion kicks in an awful lot quicker and you feel like you’re going to pass out from being too hot. It really was unbearable and with it also being very hard to hear, I often became frustrated and often resulted in a mini tantrum or coming off because I couldn’t perform how I knew I could!! After a year or so it just became a normal part of the routine, and with people now being more accepting of that too I finally learnt it was okay and accepted it too. I now referred to myself as an official HELMET HEAD!
Whether it is playing or coaching the people I have met along the way have been vital in keeping me on the right path and although I may be no longer able to play at this moment in time, I have been given the opportunity to manage and coach my first ever ladies team which is a massive honor considering I’ve only ever done a youth setup. Which for me was a massive highlight and success after taking on the Kirkley & Pakefield Sapphires @ U12s I made some incredible friendships with players and parents and people at the club and was apart of something very special which reminded me of what it was like for me growing up with football. It was the kind of team where everyone had an impact on each other and all of the girls I was lucky enough to coach impacted me and made it a very memorable 5 years.
I was always shown nothing but support and appreciation towards me and that’s continued to be the same since joining Bungay Town Ladies in 2018 and it is here where I have slowly regained my confidence and enjoy the game I love with the people I love and to continue the most important beloved routine of Sunday’s being made for football!! It may sound stupid and a very bold statement but it’s the best feeling waking up and knowing your going to football, seeing all your friends and most all of all being proudly associated with a club who thrives off togetherness and team spirit and everyone playing for enjoyment. I have made the bestest of friends who have been nothing but patient, understanding, respectful and showed me the upmost of support and allowed me to never be without a smile and laughter. It’s so hard to come by in day to day life for me right now but football days and football people have a special way of making that happen.
Bungay Town Ladies – A place to play for all
“Coming together is a beginning, Keeping together is progress, Working together is success”
“To have a great career, be a risk taker”
I joined the world of work from the age of 16 and have always worked hard so that I can have the luxuries of trainers and cars to have something to show for what I have put my hard earned money towards. Football created a lot of pathways for me, and I always had the dream of being in a role with big responsibility to really get my teeth into and be able to inspire people with my story. That’s when I took the risk and quit my job at Norwich City before even having an interview and being offered the job at my old Primary School Dell – it was from here on in that I realised you can achieve anything if you really want it and hard work and preparation will pay off and for me it did! I got the job, I started the new term in September 2013 just after my 18th Birthday and I literally found myself at home! The staff were truly amazing, fun, friendly, positive and all had one thing in common and that was “All for the Children” whether it be teaching, encouraging, instructing, mentoring, influencing, guiding or inspiring everyone was for the good of the kids! The support I received was incredible, the relationships I developed with staff, pupils and parents was on another level, everyday for 4 years I felt like I was doing what I set out to achieve and that’s inspire through my love of sport. I had the best time and some would say “Living My Best Life” sadly all good things come to an end and when the school became an academy and began to provide alternative provision for PE I was somehow left sinking, thinking how is it possible to come into work and no longer have your position? When the person who is now in charge has never even spoken to you or seen you teach for that matter? But yet all the staff and pupils appreciated you? The parents praised you? And then suddenly just like that all that hard work and long working days of building up the rapport, the extra-curricular clubs, the planning and preparation all for someone to come in and take it away just like that! All because they only care about themselves, and money! Not what they’re about to rip away from someone, something that is the driving force in their life, because it certainly was mine! I was so angry and had a lot of hatred towards one person. Although the uproar was still happening I still had to go into work, I may live at home but there is still bills to pay, and money that is required to enjoy doing the things you love and pay for the car you drive. So leaving wasn’t really an option as I still needed the job and an income until something else came up. I noticed that I started to become increasingly stressed, and felt a loss of control and it got to the point where it completely broke me. I thought I was done with being misunderstood and fighting for acceptance and a sense of belonging but I was wrong! Yet again it had happened to me and it was this point in my life I believe to be another trigger point for the struggles I’m now facing!
I did manage to get out and move onto working at a Pupil Referral Unit for 5-7yr olds to try and avoid the disappointment that my previous job had left me in but after a couple of months I felt like this wasn’t the best thing for me to be going into! It was challenging, although it was like looking at mini me with how some of them behaved it also filled me with a lot of sadness that there only the age of 5-7 and have already been failed by the education system. I worked closely with a number of pupils but for them there routine was implemented very well each day they knew what they were doing. For me on the other hand working between an upstairs class and downstairs I didn’t actually feel like I was in a routine it was so jumbled, stuff changed from one day to the next and the work was just as hard for them as it was me. I honestly felt like I didn’t belong in the role and was failing being the appropriate role model. My colleagues were always reassuring and told me how well I was doing but for me it wasn’t natural, I was forcing myself to do something I felt incapable of delivering, and I have always been on the wave length if you can’t do it yourself how can you teach it to others? The anxiety and stress built up along with the grief I was still having from the passing of Grandad Geoff and it soon became apparent along with a lot of sickness and tiredness/fatigue that sooner or later this would have to come to an end. I put up a fight though as I wanted to make it work, I didn’t want to let these kids down or the people I worked with and myself for just throwing the towel in because my head was saying naaaa! I stuck at it, pushed through the barriers and some days did overcome and achieve small gains and satisfaction in my role but it was over the summer holidays of 2017 where it took an unexpected turn for the worst!
“All great changes are preceded by CHAOS”
A family Holiday to Gran Canaria in August 2017 brought to my attention the fact that something wasn’t quite right, the holiday meant for relaxing and spending time with Family after a long term soon became a total nightmare! Spending time confined to your hotel room, being sick on and off for the whole week, having to find constant shade, avoiding eating or eating very little and just wanting to be in the comfort of your own home, but being so far away that it was not possible. Normally I’m that typicl brit on holiday who cries when it’s time to come home instead I wanted nothing more to be than in the comfort of my own home. When we finally arrived home the first trip was to the doctors, as you know something’s not right when it is so persistent.
The repeated vomiting showed no sign of stopping, and the thought of continuing at work First Base PRU was already looking like it would prove to be difficult. Working at the unit with children with Emotional/Social Behavioral difficulties you always needed to be at your best otherwise everyone would pick up on it, that being the kids or staff. A couple of weeks being back in the new term things certainly became too much and the lack of food intake and fluid soon took its toll and I was left unable to work. I was too exhausted to cope with the work load on top of feeling constantly tired, sick and enduring constant stomach pain. I returned to the doctors and was put on Sick leave for several months whilst i underwent a referral to a Gastroentologist. The doctor put in an urgent request at different hospitals and give them time to contact me and whoever made the first move she said to go with. The choices were JPH, N&N or Cromer and surprise surprise the furthest away was the one to come up first. In desperate times calls for desperate measures and so the road trip began.
I arrived at the Clinic of Dr. Chan at Cromer Hospital 10 weeks from the point of referral where I was seen by a Dr. Leo Alexandre who looked into all the persistent symptoms I was having. Tests were put in place to be done starting with an Endoscopy which was quite frankly nothing but nastyyyyyyy!! Banana throat spray and anesthetic is quite simply the worst combo ever invented!!! The sedation left you in a daze and not remembering anything that went on but I’ll tell you one thing after it was done, you could still feel what felt like a golf ball was stuck in your windpipe, it was quite frankly the most uncomfortable thing to wake up too!
The term continued as i underwent further tests and investigations but it soon became apparent that I was no longer going to be able carry on, the amount of time off, hospital visits, reduced timetable just wasn’t enough to be able to keep up with the task at hand. However determined I was to beat this it was going to take a lot more than enduring the job I was currently in to be able to do so. I become withdrawn from work and struggled to make it back after so much time off and this is when I decided to write out my resignation and hand it in! I did what I could right up until February 2019 when this decision was made and I left knowing that I had done all I could and been honest with myself and my place of work that this was best for all involved. It was a hard decision but one I needed to do for not just myself but for the Children and the staff too. All of which were excellent and supportive throughout and my time leading up to the 4 week notice period.
I walked out of there knowing I did all I could and that It was the best decision for me at the time to allow me to concentrate on returning to full health. I continued to undergo a series of test including a CT scan of the small bowel/intestine which included drinking a whole LITRE of Barium liquid which would then light up on the x-ray to show what was going on in the duodenum. Followed by a Barium meal swallow and scan of the abdomen before finishing off with a Bowel Transit Study which is sometimes called a “shapes test”, to find out how long it takes for your shit to pass through your colon (the big bit of your bowel).
Bet you are all thinking why the hell am I’m not a doctor by now? HAHA! But anyway I swallowed several capsules of different colours filled with 20 plastic markers. These markers passed through the bowel and showed up on the abdominal x-ray taken 3 days later giving a clear indication of the issue.
I had some much needed time off too re-coop and regain some control and focus whilst I was still waiting for results and that is when I decided to get back into PE and teach sport at a Primary School. It was Woods Loke who gave me the opportunity, which boasted great facilities and pupils who loved sport just as much as I did. I settled in quite quickly but it soon become a lonely role, I was very isolated hardly got to know any one due to my timetable being so jumbled, my lunch break was at the end of the day which comprised of eating with the cleaners before they started work and I went back into doing my After school club. A few months went by and I got stuck in and implemented changes to allow a better working environment for myself, but gradually over time I began to struggle with a massive bout of fatigue. My legs took the brunt of it from being on my feet all day, my timetable only really allowed me to eat at certain times some days not at all and this is when I believe I started to show signs of not eating.. Each day it progressed and got worse and soon left me feeling more unwell and was contracting a lot of viruses, losing more weight and becoming disengaged with my job once again. With all the investigations still going on at the hospital and tests and the outcomes that were bought to my attention soon lead me throw in the towel for a second time.
I thought that feeling as much as I possibly could though because I knew deep down how much the job meant to me, I tried so hard each and every day but it really wasn’t worth the pain I was putting myself through and I knew that something had to give. Again I knew I still needed a source of income so rather than quitting and being out of work I started looking again for another job, one that was perhaps less strenuous and not so hands on and reliant on just me. Hours upon hours of searching my Dad came to me with a proposal and offered me to become a WIZARD and join the team at Window Wizard as Wizard Jnr Office Organiser!!! Dad needed a right hand man to be the face of the business and run the office which meant manning the phones, day to day work for the boys to complete, quotes, invoices and orders. In my head I knew it was going to be so different from what I was used to doing but actually I was so excited to get my foot in the door and start something new and become the official Office Bitch!!
I set straight to work and ordered lots and lots of GREEN office furniture (my favourite colour) to put my own stamp on things, I spent time in producing new work sheets with up-to-date logos and advertising, set up all social media platforms and basically started from scratch. It allowed me to be organised which I liked and was more manageable for me.
October 2018 seemed the turning point of having something new to focus on. I picked it all up very quickly, and got things running smoothly. Any one will know that a MAN is very untidy, perhaps a bit disorganised and far to laid back in certain situations. It was certainly something that didn’t go unnoticed for me but just after a couple of weeks order was restored. There was structure and a new system in place to allow our place of work to fully operate. Any other company would probably be quite annoyed that a new person has come in and changed stuff but my Dad was just appreciative of me taking control, sorting him out and making sure things were done efficiently and in a quicker time than what he did before and it made my OCD run like clockwork everything was in place, everything had its place, everything worked for me.
“It’s like I have two brains a rational brain and an irrational brain that are constantly fighting against each other”
There is many ways in which my OCD works really well for me and other times it is just a real pain in the arse. I’m obsessed with the order and symmetry of certain things, colours, arrangements along with going over and over certain tasks because it is a ritual that I feel I must carry out. So for all of you who ask how, and why my hair is so straight it is because I will go back and straighten it throughout the day at least 3 times and once before I go to bed just because if I don’t I feel like something bad will be said about me.. stupid I know but when your Ginger and have short hair there are a lot of insecurities so as long as my hair is done I don’t feel like everyone is staring at me.
The flip side to this is being a complete hoarder and compulsive buyer.. I cant let go of a lot of things because of the value it holds to me even if its just there collating dust at the bottom of a wardrobe it was once bought for a reason. The compulsive buying as many will know is footwear, I have a pair of trainers for every outfit and will often resort to buying clothes to match the colour in the trainer or even the same colour football boots just to match the kit. I’m forever making sure everything is matching and that it is clean and free from dirt and creases before I can wear it. To the point I’m 100% always late, some days later than others, other days you wouldn’t even notice but I have to do it for me or I feel a sense of guilt and shame that I haven’t stuck to something I have always done.
Another example is my bank account, I wont buy it unless it’s at an even number and leaves my account at a whole number,even just going to the petrol station I will check my account and see what amount I can put in so it doesn’t effect what It will change it to once I’ve paid!
These compulsions are behaviours and rituals that I just feel driven to act upon again and again. They are performed in an attempt to make obsessions go away however, the relief never lasts. In fact, the obsessive thoughts only come back stronger, the compulsive rituals and behaviours often end up causing severe anxiety themselves as they become more demanding and time-consuming and you feel trapped in this vicious cycle that never goes away. I have to carry on completing them regardless of how much time goes in even if that means forgetting where you should be and what you should be doing!! Crazy and pathetic but it is what it is and I don’t think something of that significance and always having to strive for perfection can be changed as it is just apart of who I am.
“My Dad is my HERO”
You still hear people say that working for family is a dangerous game, but we have a true friendship, daddy’s girl through and through and to be able to work with your Dad who is also your best mate is something very special and as we always say we are the Wizardry Dream Team. His support and understanding and allowing me to have this chance was honestly a life line. I’m very lucky to have my Dad as the boss; he understands when your ill that you can’t go in, but can work from home instead, he knows when he comes in the office to keep his paperwork tower on his own desk and not mess with my system.. He knows to just let me get on with it and whatever needs doing on the computer it’s just quicker and easier to let me do it! (Because nobody wants to see an angry wizard lose his cool over using the computer which he hasn’t quite got the hang of). With everything I have struggled with in the past, I haven’t had the feeling since being under my Dads wing because he understands and cares for you and only wants to see you succeed. In employment that is sometimes so hard to come by but is all you ever want from your Employer. Respect, Understanding and Honestly all go a long way in the world of work and it doesn’t take much to be that person. I know I will continue to work for my Dad for as long as his business runs and to continue seeing it grow from strength to strength. I have now become a Window & Door Geek and could tell you quite a lot of information and it’s so sad how weirdly satisfying it all is but to see homes transformed through your Dad’s & Teams hard work becomes very rewarding and awfully satisfying in playing the vital part being in first and last contact with the customer.
It’s been nice to have something to focus on other than my health but deep down it’s always been there and not gone away and I have struggled to cope with certain situations that are out of my control. To me the triggers are very clear as they still feel so real even though parts of it happened a long time ago, I just find it increasingly difficult to process and accept these changes within my life. I know it has stemmed from losing my Grandad, and relationships that have broken down along with the disappointment of having to give up a job I worked so hard for and then having to go through it all again with my Great Nanny & Grandad. I know in time when I am ready that this will all add up and make perfect sense but right now it just feels like a jumbled mess that still needs piecing together.
“Loss of a loved one “
Grandad Geoff sadly took his last breathe on the 11th January 2017 and previous to that my Great Nanny on the 22nd March 2013 and to where all my problems first began surrounding grief with Grandad David on 30th January 2007. Grief is totally different from any other sadness or depression I have felt before. I couldn’t say for definite if it’s the combination of the two things at once, or if it is simply that the death of a person so close to you that is uniquely intense.
A big cloud of sadness surrounds a loss especially when that someone was like a rock in your life. A solid relationship built upon love and trust, and now all that’s gone. Just like that with nothing else able to ever take its place. My Grandad David, Great Nanny, & Grandad Geoff all had something in common not only did they get struck down with Cancer they were all fighters, survivors, and all around the most beautiful people I knew growing up. They radiated pure happiness and made you feel loved beyond measure. I’ve learnt that grief doesn’t just shrink away and get smaller, you become to realise that it’s not a one way process, you have good days, and days when the tears no longer stop. All of these feelings started before, and even when they were still here; especially when “I was unable to be in control of the situation” I couldn’t change the fact this was happening, I was apprehensive from the moment I was told there wasn’t long left, I was anxious, felt constantly on edge every time the phone rang, every time I visited, or if people weren’t where they said they were the picture you built up was always the worst and when that moment came of saying goodbye for the final time there is no feeling quite like it.
I remember every incy wincey tiny detail, can still see there faces, hear their presence like they are still here. It is an entirely shattering experience; nothing prepares you for how breathtakingly terrifying it is that they will only now exist in photographs and memories of your own. Years on from each death, I am still brittle and exhausted but slowly learning to live my life, carrying on the memory of them all, because in this way they will live on too. Grief for me is still playing a massive part in my life and a trauma which has given tremendous heart break which has never been fixed; the smallest thing like watching Chelsea Vs ManU can spark a set back, the smell of home baking or a buffet at a party, and the smell of fresh fish and your nanna’s back garden that just take you right back to everything that person was. There are so many stages of Grief of which I’m yet to express in detail so I will go back to this in a separate post just so that if anyone out there is feeling this effect to from loss a loved one that we can help each other.
“Health is not valued till sickness comes”
Through out the space of the year when all the tests were done and completed I was finally seen again in October 2018 and given the diagnosis of Functional Dyspepsia, Slow Transit of the GI Tract & Colon with Chemical Gastritis of the Stomach and signs of tear to the lower part of the Esophagus due to persisting vomiting and Acid Re-flux. During all this palaver of finding out what on earth was going on with me I experienced extreme fatigue and tiredness, muscle aches and joint pain, sickness everyday. It was a constant battle everyday to even complete simple tasks and go to work which added up to a lot of time off over the years, and the heartbreaking thing of all being slowly unable to enjoy playing the sport you love. It was then put down to being ME/Chronic Fatigue syndrome in February 2019 so yet again another thing to deal with but somehow still be able to enjoy life?
So me being the stubborn cow I am, decided to ignore that of professionals and others closest and continue on the football season. I’m one of these people where you have to finish what you started before you can see that giving up is the best thing to do and just because someone is telling you too. Eventually it did take its toll and after several hospital trips for being chopped in half and suffering more head injuries and fatigue the setbacks were just more frequent and it was at this point I knew it was only fair to allow my body to take a break from the game so I played the last game to ensure I finished what I set out to achieve; and that was to make sure we stay up!
We DID IT! It was honestly the best feeling because everyone worked so hard and stuck together to achieve what was important for us at the time. Presentation evening soon came around and the room was filled with positivity and emotion from all angles. For me it was the best evening that topped off the season and to be awarded with an award for dedication and commitment despite all what I was going through was enough to finally accept I achieved what I set out to do and more and to be recognised for that was a very proud moment for me and my family because they all know from years of watching being recognised for something good was never a thing.
For once something ended on a high and with a focus now turning to my new position of coaching/managing instead. The journey on that has only just begun and its nice to have a new challenge to focus on and to avoid reliving all that disappointment of not being able to play. I hope one day I will be back in the shirt rocking my many green pairs of football boots but for now it’s time to listen to the body and enjoy the ride from a different perspective “suited and booted in tracksuits”! and yeah I did go online and spend spend spend to make sure I look the part from top to toe, even in keeping with the tradition of buying a new pair of boots for the season ahead regardless if it is only to stand in them, it’s a tradition I couldn’t break! My logical theory behind it is that it’s just like having a new job, you go out and buy new work clothes and shoes, so yeahhh i guess you can this is my reasoning of thinking that it’s totally acceptable…. Sorry not sorry Mum ahahah!
“A smile is the prettiest thing you can wear”
However positive that last bit may seem in words, it’s not what you would see on the outside or what I am feeling on the inside because if I’m being totally honest the struggle was and still is very real and am surrounded with nothing but dark thoughts. The word honest is something I’m not very good at actually portraying, because opening up and letting people in and most importantly trusting that people won’t judge is very scary and is something I’d rather not have to deal with. The natural thing to do of course is keep it to yourself, cover up what is actually going on by continuing every day normal life and putting on a front to show anyone who comes in to contact with you that in fact everything is just fine. Over time though I can tell you that it gradually starts to eat away at you and cracks begin to show however much you tell yourself their not you can’t keep up a fake act and those who know me well enough will know man can’t lie for shit.
I knew I had to be stronger than ever and build up the courage to tell someone how bad it had actually got, most people would choose to go to their family or those who are closest but for me that wasn’t the route I wanted to go down, I wanted to be the one who fixed it by myself as this was my fight to fight as i knew deep down there was nothing that anyone could do to take this away. All the doctors appointments built up over time and I began to have a bit of faith in her so I went to her for help before anyone else, she said she would refer me to the relevant people but the wait is once again a long one.. So although I took the step in reaching out for help, I didn’t actually get anywhere as waiting for something your not sure what it actually is your waiting for other than help when your at rock bottom is a hard pill to swallow.
I did come away feeling like I had made a big step in going forward and admitting I needed help, but getting it was few and far between. With all this going on I had just come out of a relationship of what I thought I was very happy in, at long last I had found love, someone who took me for me and treated me like I deserved to be treated but all that was soon disregarded when we both had our own demons to contend with. We were both so unhappy in our own lives that being together and not speaking up about are real thoughts and feelings inside our own heads that only made it worse over time. Two people who hide their real feelings.. is a recipe for disaster right? I began to start opening up and let that person in because a part of me was like if you don’t try to make this work you’ll never know? So I did, but for some reason it didn’t get acknowledged it felt like someone was there in words but not there for you in the here and now and as a person.. I came away thinking maybe it’s just me, maybe it was just a lot for him to take in? But still in the back of my mind I had these doubts, because it just wasn’t the response you would hope for off someone who is suppose to love and take care of you.. Slowly but surely these doubts and feelings over ruled everything in my heart that I felt for this person and I knew if he wasn’t going to open up to me about his problems then I wasn’t going to allow myself either, because to me it works both ways and if its not reciprocated back then I’m completely done. I ended it out of frustration and anger more at myself for not being able to be in control and fix it, for not being more understanding but in this life you have to look out for no.1 so that’s what I did. Yes it was my decision, and it was a very big blow, because I was back on my own again but deep down I still cared, always have and will always love him for who and what he is because way past all that I had found to me the most kind, caring, bubbliest soul of who I shared lots of great memories with and they don’t just disappear, especially when you have 10223923 photos together which are still held on your phone because you cannot go through the pain of deleting them because actually they were some of the best times throughout the space of a very dark time that I kept well hidden from him and my Family.
“No one ever tells you how much it hurts, when your body is still fighting after you gave up”
It was not long after in March 2019 that I started to give up, I know longer wanted to be here when all I was experiencing was pain and hurt from all angles, I was exhausted and felt trapped in a dark place that I really couldn’t see a way out of. So whilst my Mum & Dad were on Holiday in Gran Canaria and I was home alone that I tried to take my own life.. (failed miserably) The amount of tablets I took I believed to be enough to put all this misery to an end, I took a concoction of different Antidepressants, Anti-emetics, GERD tablets roughly 14 in total down the hatch with my favorite Palma violet gin straight from the bottle. I took them and laid in bed waiting for it to start working and that when it came to the morning I wouldn’t wake up! I had failed once again, it wasn’t enough to take my life, but enough to leave me what felt like the worst hangover going and excruciating stomach pain more worse than normal, along with a lot of sickness which for me was also normal.. It was at this point I had the wake up call that it obviously wasn’t my time.. I gave myself that pep talk and continued the get up and go everyday trying to push past all the bad that consumed my head and that somewhere the best is yet to come.
This made me realise that to get the best out of life I needed to seek help elsewhere and quick, so I was given a number from someone close to me who had used Anglia Therapy which involved private sessions with a Cognitive Behavior Specialist who’s message was that just as each person’s underlying building blocks for life are unique to a person, every person can bring their vulnerabilities and sensitivities into therapy and be met with compassion and resolution. Through the provision of new information and the emphasis on finding solutions, people find themselves ‘working’ and having ‘hope’ from the first session. Susan wasn’t wrong; there was a big part inside of me that after the first session if I continue digging and unravelling events of great significance things will become clearer and life can really be lived.
Another friend also told me how great it was that I had took this step because there really is nothing better than investing time into finding yourself and that you really can’t put a price tag on your health. Everything from here on in did seem to become a lot clearer after a few sessions even if they were really intense and reducing me to tears, it was finally starting to break down the barriers to finding a healthier solution. It was after the 6th session though when I came away feeling like I was at a stalemate, I had spoken and opened up about stuff that I’ve never spoken about before and all to a complete stranger before those closest me? And all for what? Because I still don’t feel like it’s any better? I still feel deep regret in many situations, still unable to stop negative cycles and the way things make me feel bad, anxious or scared. These problems still aren’t manageable, there’s no change in my negative thought patterns or improvement on the way feel? So again I’m back to the start of WHAT’S THE ACTUAL POINT!
“I simply punish myself, for failing, for losing my way and for disappointing my family”
Trying to find a purpose in life has never been in touching distance and recently I have felt a sense of emptiness an emptiness that is so heavy that all these thoughts and feelings have contributed to the situation that I now find myself in physically. I have become so used to being comfortable when I’m empty.. so is this why I can’t keep food down? To me I say YES but to the professionals they so NO its a physical condition that we just haven’t managed to treat properly? But my question is throughout this whole time I have had to live everyday fighting a constant battle to be diagnosed but not treated properly and efficiently to the point it has now gone to far off the scale and progressed into something so psychologically damaging that it is slowly destroying me bit by bit. It’s now deeply in bedded as the routine I adhere to everyday leaving me mentally exhausted and in the gutter with not a lot of fight left in me. I have pushed people away, and feel a massive sense of disappointment to my family and those closest to me for what this has done to them and for me personally as I have lost my MOJO, my life, my sense of humour and the upbeat, bubbly personality that has only ever longed for acceptance.
It has progressed so rapidly over the past year and has recently seen me admitted to hospital twice in the space of 3 months and has had some long lasting damage on my health and a loss of faith in those who are supposedly the experts and healthcare professionals. We seem to be in a world where they treat every case and every individual as the same when in-fact no two people are the same and everybody should be giving the time and care they deserve and be listened to, to ensure the outcome needed to get on and enjoy life. With only being 24yrs old you know dam well there’s so much more to life than there it is at the moment.
I’ve been back home since Tuesday 30th July and the road ahead still seems to be never ending after what felt like a wasted time in hospital but I have since jumped some massive hurdles and faced a lot of investigations and assessments which have been very difficult since being home. Although I’m having to sit back and wait for the help I need I do have some very special people in my life who are supporting me and helping me see a way out of a very distressing time. I’ve always been a bit of a keyboard warrior as it’s easier to hide behind a screen than having to openly speak up about something you have no control over. This is why I have chose to document my thoughts and feelings and stories so those closest to me can understand what it’s really like for me in my own words rather than what you see and for anyone else to have a read and simply just reflect because you never know whats going on behind closed doors, a smile can speak 1000 different words; just checking in on someone from time to time can make all the difference.
Hopefully you get the gist of what it’s really like for me and any feedback or messages are always welcome! NEXT UP on the agenda.. is the hospital stay!! So prepare yourself for another long read with this one focusing on the highs the lows, the tears and the laughter along with everyday people who all bring something extraordinary to world in their own way.
“Live your life, forget your age”
The Mind Diary 